Notes To Self
Now that I sit here as the twenty six year young Tess, the girl my younger self envisioned, the age I imagined to be thriving, what have I learnt?
Who am I, really, in this moment and time?
Who am I, really, in this moment and time?
Reality settling in, hold tight folks.
Life more often then not doesn’t play out as we expect it to, therefore as stupid it may sound turning twenty six truly rocked me. You see, I’ve always been one of those frustrating people who have their life very acutely planned out. There has NEVER been a point in my life where I’ve wondered who I am, where I’m trying to get to and what I have to offer to the world, confidence through the goddamn roof as some might’ve said. Yet I simply saw it as very fine tuned and well practised manifestation, optimism and of coarse… naivety. Now here I sit, having learnt a few things and seen more than my poor mother would hate to hear and you know what, I’m CONFUSED!
Yes, I admit it, I’m sitting here simply baffled at how incredibly contrasting my twenty sixth lap is looking. I compare it to my vision, to my hopes and dreams and it rocks me like a boat in a storm to realise my entire life has capsized and I need to dive real fucking deep to find the treasure I left behind, move forward and figure out what it is this universe TRULY has in store for me! So, 2023 is going to be full of many things, as excited I am i’d be a fool to try prove i’m not equally petrified to the point where I legitimately wet the bed the other night and had to change my sheets at 3:53am… yes, we’ve truly hit that point.
Whilst most of the fundamental moving blocks that make up my life thus far are wriggling around under my feet, I have to find a strategic way to keep walking without anything concrete to stabilise me. How? Well… letting go and controlling the only thing I can, which is my attitude.
All I can control right now is my attitude.
This means being 100% adaptable for whatever life throws at me and listening… yes, listening. When you slow down, you give yourself the brain capacity to listen more and talk less, from that you learn. Without learning you will not grow, obviously that’s not fucking rocket science is it? With a couple of good motto’s and an open mind, I can tackle my instability and allow this year to unfold how it’s due to, however the universe sees me blossoming, as contrasting that may be from how I envisioned it. If I can do this, if I can let go enough to receive, I will reach a height of internal success that’s greater than any dream I once wished upon…
“Not a soul in the world can take from you what’s meant for you, so relax and receive.”
More trust, less control
More action, less talk
More discipline, less self criticism
More listening, less noise
The Next Chapter
“ You don’t need anyone to take that step. You’re already there, you can do it, alone! “
Momentarily filled with fear, like air in a balloon waiting to pop… Here I stand amidst one of my greatest lessons of all.
I CAN DO IT ALONE!
We read this, we see it, we tell ourselves it’s compute, yet here we all sit petrified to take that little leap of faith. Why?
Fear.
So what is the next chapter?
It’s being bold enough to take that step into the atmosphere you’ve always desired, juicing out a ridiculously large amount of courage. More often than not it’s the path they all told you not to take, the route with a broken bridge, the idea that you never thought would become a reality. Yet these turning points are more often than not the light at the end of the tunnel, the loophole into the realm your younger self dreamt upon. And the best part is realising no one can get there for you, only YOU can make your next chapter as exciting and experimental as possible. You’re the one in control, you’re driving the car and deciding which road to take next… YOU design it all.
Yes, things will happen out of your control and you’ll have to adapt and step up, yet you still decide how the picture looks and how you get there.
It’s all up to you.
Simple Reminders
I was about to start this sentence with the word ‘goals’ and instantly had to stop myself, because fuck goals, they aren’t “I have a goal lets get it done”, they are and always should be “I will start here”.
So where am I starting?
It’s 7:05pm on a Monday evening. I’m officially calling myself a true adult as I find myself sitting at one of my local wine bars, alone, writing. Yeap, that’s me! A true fucking adult embracing all forms of adulting even on a Monday after work. You see, going to the wine bar alone is certainly not foreign ground to me, it’s surprisingly something I do all the time, (When I say “all the time” I’m referring to strictly the last 5 months of my adolescence, still counts right?) Call me an alcoholic but I was raised with a Spanish mother who said she would die without her ‘tipple of red wine’, the same way she word for word would announce “Darling Tessa I cannot physically open my bloody eyeballs without my first sip of coffee, do NOT interrupt me right now, only POST COFFEE!” Yes, it sounds scarily familiar I know… I am my mothers daughter what can I say!
Back to the
goal.
I will
I’ve promised myself that kicking off this year with a nice sense of productivity, would mean applying myself to achieve at least one task towards one of my passions each and everyday. Now this seems fundamentally challenging right? But no, it’s actually rather fucking simple.
Do what you WANT to do before doing what you don’t. Yeap, that easy.
Now I know what you’re thinking ‘I WANT to sit in bed and eat pizza NOT go for the 5km run I said I’d do because’ i’m trying to make my passion running… You see what i did there? Yea, thats a mother fucking goal, which is a far cry away from what I’d call a passion.
So what exactly are we classifying as a passion here?
I’m talking about the real electric stuff!
The juice that makes your tongue pop!
The colours that make your eyes smile!
The seeds you planted that you always forget to fucking water!
THAT STUFF!
Imagine if you applied one short moment of time, each and everyday to pick up your laptop and start to write over mindlessly watching a show. If you opened the cook book staring at you in the kitchen instead of ordering takeaways. The list is endless…
That’s the simplicity, right there, in that moment!
You find yourself doing what you actually want to be doing, happily as hours escape you and bam, you’ve made progress on a passion, that builds the blocks of who you are.
Yeap, I know.. thank me later.
From the day a little girl was told to grow up, for that she did. Constitution one, first hour in office, The mind is numb.
“It was such a foreign experience to me that my first question was quite literally ‘how do I use the mouse’. After so long of resisting the reality of adulting, here I sat, in the very seat I once promised myself I would never. dare. sit.”
As I took to my desk, I could feel sweat beads gathering across my body. Mainly from the frantic rush to make it through the door before 8am, after an hour too long rolling around in bed resisting the day I had ahead… Yet also to my dismay from the anxiety and nerves I unsuccessfully attempted to shrink.
Luckily, I managed to collect myself after the first hour and find comfort in staying as silent as a mouse, hoping it would lead to their lack of context for personal judgement. Yet to conclude if that was a success, as it was such a foreign experience to me that my first question was quite literally “how do I use the mouse”…
Powering through my introduction tasks, painfully navigating my way through the company apps like a fish out of water, I was left with a spare hour before the day came to rest. Multitasking my acting skills of being interested in office chat, I pondered on why this unknown ache weighed down my vocabulary… In the realisation that after so long of resisting adulting, here I sat, in the very seat I once promised myself I would never. dare. sit. That the ache so numbing making me loose my words, was due to the sheer realisation that on this day I had broken my childhood promise, on this day I had accepted and entered the corporate hierarchy, the 9-5 doom, the reality my parents forever told me I would never escape.
To be continued.