Pressure.
It’s becoming increasingly apparent to me just how results driven I am. And you’d presume this is a good thing, right? But no, it’s not.
I built a business young.
I’ve survived high-pressure situations.
And therefore, I’ve spent the most pivotal years of my adolescence attaching meaning, safety, identity and self-worth to outcomes. Problem being, many of these outcomes are often completely out of my control…
Revenue.
Growth.
Productivity.
Forward movement.
Achievement.
External proof.
So naturally, my nervous system adapted to:
‘If I’m producing results, I’m valuable. If I’m progressing, I’m worthy.’
Not good.
Not good at all.
It’s a mindset that has the ability to foster extraordinary results, yes, but its downfall is a weight I’ve carried around on my back like a lifetime of regret I’ll drag to my fucking grave.
I can’t rest without feeling guilty. Slow and steady feels like failure. And worst of all, my mood is heavily dictated by metrics, money, productivity, validation and tangible results.
I’ve managed to gain control over this cycle using meditation. Sometimes exercise helps too, but honestly, the only way I’ve truly tapped out of this mental game I play with myself is by closing my eyes, placing a hand on my heart and having a fucking good talking-to with my spirit. Reminding myself of all the reasons I hold value in this world…
It’s harder than I’d like it to be though, ya know? Listing fucking traits like they’re a grocery list.
Okay Tess, so you are…
Friendly.
Open minded.
Kind.
Funny.
Ummmm… a good friend, sister and aunty..???
I mean come the fuck on.
Why is that so hard?
I’m like a child getting told she did well in her first maths test.
I feel belittled… but by myself!
And this is exactly my problem.
I’m so good at fishing out compliments for those around me, never short of praise, love and light. Yet when it comes to myself, I find it extremely difficult to look in the mirror and say:
‘You are enough, Tessa. Right here, right now, as you are.’
I will admit the self-love ebbs and flows. Yet again, I’ve begun to notice that I love myself the most when I feel like I’m succeeding. And I feel like I’m succeeding when my physical world is reaping the benefits of my hard labour.
I’m like a fisherman who only praises himself on a good day’s catch… which happens what, once a week if he’s lucky?
This is not a cycle with legs to grow. It’s not systematic, nor built for longevity. This is sprinting at its finest. Bursts of momentum followed by huge lows as I crash and burn before regaining my strength and readying myself for the next hundred metres.
I’ve always been like this too. And fuck man, I really thought I’d been doing the work to tackle it. Building slower momentum driven by small and discreet implementation. But here I sit on my beachfront balcony, beer in one hand and dart in the other, cursing to the fucking night sky as if I’ve lost a million dollars.
I don’t have time to wait!
I’ve been waiting for 29 fucking years!!!
Are you even listening to me?!
Honestly, maybe I’m crazy.
But no, don’t worry, I asked my therapist and she confirmed … somehow I’m not.
We simply live in a world that relies on external validation and money to hand out medals of success. And whether I like it or not, some days my mind still falls into society’s trap and throws shade at me like a loser standing at the finish line.
Such as human existence though, right?
We spend so much time convincing ourselves what is worth living for, what is worth waking up for, what makes us purposeful… that when time is ticking and results are not forming, we naturally look in the mirror and think:
‘Well, who the fuck are you then?’
And right now in my life, everything feels results driven.
I’m trying to alter the course of my existence and, as mentioned in previous posts, make up for a lot of lost time. I’m essentially attempting to achieve what most people do in five or six years, within one.
Impossible?
Maybe.
But honestly, with a good plan, it’s actually feasible.
Yet at what compromise…
At some point, I’ll have to take my foot off the gas and accept that the progress I’m making right now is seemingly invisible. That the results may not become tangible for another few years. That the decisions I’m making now depend entirely on a gamble placed on my future self.
Day by day, Tessa.
Not mountain by mountain.
Because the only person looking down on you… is yourself, motherfucker.”
I’m playing a wild game with myself, all day, everyday. So ya know what? I’m going to go play Michael Jackson on full blast, open another beer and dance until my heart feels like it’s falling out of my chest.
Because this is it, isn’t it???
We all just want to feel ALIVE! And results feel like life happening directly in front of us!
So keep moving your chess pieces, it’s only a game against yourself.
Leaps and bounds
I’m meant to be flying to Sydney from Coolangatta right now. Instead, I’m on the ferry to Waiheke Island. How life can change at such a rapid rate, never really knowing what’s on our horizon will forever amaze me. Funny, to be heading back to the island I called home as a child, throughout a time of constant chaos.
I’ve been in deep reflection lately, not due to circumstance or even willingness. It’s been a subconscious progression, as if the universe is dropping little nuggets of gold into my mind each and everyday, teaching me how to listen and where to turn next.
Many reflections on the past have been resurfacing, as I notice just how much I’ve changed and how that change inevitably effects the future I’m walking towards. Interestingly enough though, all I once wanted remains the same, as if I’ve gone down this path of a huge rebirth just to land precisely where I’d started. Yet the difference in the woman who now stands here is nothing short of monumental…
I don’t look any different, an outsider would know no better. Yet my core has completely flipped upside down and in the most positive and freeing way known to man. I FEEL different, and those who really deeply know me can see it. The most delicate twinkle in my eyes and the very way in which I stand. The confidence, clarity and purpose I’d been so desperately chasing has finally landed within me. I have my mother fucking sparkle back!
The change this is creating externally is slowly taking it’s form too, but again, in ways only those truly watching can recognize. Decisions are made efficiently. Direction is open to spontaneity yet bound to inner trust and confidence that’s intentionally applied. Little fear holding me back from the journey in front of me.
I can leap off the cliffs, eat all the foods, run across the mountain ranges and still sleep soundly. I can ride the motorbikes myself, sail with friends along the ocean, dance upon the surfboard and laugh at the unknown of what tomorrow may bring. I can tell you who I am, what I want and the very reasons for wanting it. I can direct the strings of my life together with little to no effort, and those which are harder to pull are finally easy to articulate regardless of their restraint and resistance.
Because what belongs, will always land.
I finally feel like ME again, but a new and improved version, an updated model. And god… am I excited about what that means.
How to follow your heart.
There was a version of myself that existed before the noise.
Before expectations, before timelines, before I learned how to be liked, accepted, successful and approved of.
A version of myself that didn’t question what felt right, as she moved instinctively, chose freely and dreamed without negotiation. And then, slowly, she got quieter.
Not because she disappeared, but because she was spoken over by society telling her what matters, responsibility telling her what’s realistic and ego telling her what looks good.
So she adapted.
She learnt how to make decisions that made sense on paper. She became someone who could function in the world. But somewhere along the way, she stopped asking the only question that ever really mattered:
What does she actually want?
Not what’s smart.
Not what’s impressive.
Not what keeps everything stable and predictable.
What feels true.
It has forced me to think about what it really means to grow older, especially those early formative years that quietly shape everything that follows, and I’ve noticed something rather fascinating…
In the moments where I feel the most lost, when life feels unclear, heavy, or slightly broken, I don’t find clarity by pushing forward, I find it by going back. Back to my childhood, back to the core of who I was before the world had something to say about it.
And every time I return there, something shifts.
Our childhood is the most honest version of who we are. It’s where our personality begins, our boundaries are formed and our sense of freedom is first experienced. But somewhere along the way, we stop valuing that version of ourselves. Instead we remember the challenges, awkward phases and the things that hurt. But we forget the essence.
When I look back, I don’t just remember her,
I can feel her.
The little girl running barefoot along the beach, flipping on the trampoline without fear, dancing in open fields like no one was watching and climbing pōhutukawa trees chasing her siblings to the top.
She was bold.
Fierce.
Stubborn.
Creative.
She cared about the experience, not the outcome. She woke up inspired, not pressured. She was free.
But as time passed she was forced to grow up, learn the rules and suddenly became aware of how she was perceived. Through this, she started choosing what made sense, what looks good and what fits. Not what feels right.
It’s subtle at first, but over time it becomes our reality. We trade instinct for approval, curiosity for security and freedom for responsibility. And the strangest part? We want it. As teenagers, we rush to grow up! Only to spend our late twenties trying to find our way back. It’s like we spend years drifting away from ourselves, just to realise we were never meant to leave in the first place. But maybe that’s the point? No one can teach you who you are, you have to experience what you’re not. I suppose that’s why our twenties are messy for a reason.
They’re the only time in our life where we have both freedom and responsibility. The space to make mistakes and the awareness to learn from them. Then, as we move closer to our late twenties, there’s a pull… a quiet, persistent question:
Who am I, really?
By this point, you know what doesn’t work, you know what drains you, you know what matters and suddenly, alignment becomes more important than approval. This is where your younger self becomes the guiding light, because when life gets loud, she is the only voice that’s still honest.
So I ask her:
Is this what you wanted?
And the answer is always clear. Because she didn’t dream based on logic, she dreamed based on truth.
So now, when I look at the woman I’m becoming, I don’t measure her by success or status. I ask something far more important:
Is she still free?
Is she still curious?
Is she still creating, exploring, living?
Is she still her?
Because if she’s not… something needs to change.
Following your heart is not a reckless move, it’s simply the act of remembering.
Remembering who you were before the world told you who to be.
Then having the courage to return to her,
not as the same girl,
but as a woman who finally understands.
And quietly within your heart, you too, will find your truth.
All you have to do is learn how to listen again…
Palm Tree Breeze
I do not desire to admit this is it,
I look beyond, always out to sea.
These pavements we walk and these things we talk,
For I see more in this palm tree breeze.
The wind across my face,
The salt crisping my skin,
The rain trickling on in.
So I will keep running,
Far far away,
To a land in which these shells remain.
To a place we root in gods intended way,
The place in which the palm trees sway.
Chaos and Order
As much as you all find me pulling out various parts of my insides and laying them on the table for inspection, to your surprise, maybe… I am actually pretty fucking fun.
I know I know, it sounds like I’m trying to convince you, but I don’t need to. Here’s why:
It’s incredibly easy to look ahead, see the scope in which we desire to become and think “holy fucking shit, I’m so far away, what have I been doing this whole time and why am I not closer?!”
It’s also incredibly easy to look back and think “what the actual fuck was I thinking… that’s so embarrassing, I’m not even sure if that’s still me?!”
These are all too familiar reflections, right?
Yea, it’s human to battle against these complexes within ourself, especially considering our journeys are they opposite of linear. We have no real roadmap, a rather unreliable compass called our heart and no rulebook. Which means we’re forever shooting our arrows into the dark. So why are we so fucking hard on ourselves all the time?
I know it’s not just me either… This is a universal experience. We’re all out here wondering wtf god was up to putting us here, and if we are even remotely close to the purpose we’re constantly chasing.
But it changes, doesn’t it?
Because, well, we change… So how in gods name can we expect it to be a one line answer? It’s impossible.
I have ‘chaos and order’ tattooed on my feet, and for a bloody good reason. One foot in chaos, they other in order - The equilibrium of life. And this is the very thing that constantly reminds me that the harmony is found in the middle ground. If I swing too far toward order, I become a society led robot chasing what I’m told to like a good little girl. I become drained, my muse dulls and depression naturally strikes off the back of boredom. Yet if I lean too far into chaos, my life becomes a constant whirlwind as I attempt to live in the high, never coming down and naturally… falling into escapism, resisting growth and eventually losing myself completely.
We need order to implement and action - We need chaos to inspire and create. Both work perfectly in harmony, but too much of one sets life completely off kilter.
Does this make sense?
So, what does ‘fun’ have to do with this?
Well, my life has recently tipped a little onto the serious side as I step closer toward the more significant layers of my foundation. In many moments I’ve felt myself holding back, muting my personality and actually forgetting the very nature of my being. And fuck man, it’s too easy to forget when we’re on the grind.
Financial leaps need intentional moves - Intentional moves need discipline - Discipline needs recipes
None of that happens overnight either, it’s dedicated energy that I pour into my success each and everyday. It takes conscious moves and demands full input from me. Often, I find myself in this state and pulling away from the fun. Yet this is the balance…a little of this, a little of that. As I look at how far I have to go I only push myself harder, to be more discipline, ignore the distractions and hustle harder. Yet it’s often ineffective.
I need the fun, I need that balance, otherwise I lose sight of why I’m working so goddamn hard in the first place.
And why do I do it all in the first place?
People.
Yep, pretty much! My driving force has always been my community. Near or far, the people who have added to the layers that make up the woman I am today. And every time I lower my head into my palms as the weight of it all falls upon me… I’m reminded of their faces, their journeys and the very feathers they’ve gifted to my own wings. And I keep going, I keep moving the fucking needle. But without those memories, without the fun injected into those unions, the laughter that follows and the bonds that are built off the back of these significant experiences… I find myself lost.
I need the fun and the chaos, as much as I need the discipline and the order.
So once again, I’m sitting here writing as I was reminded of the fun I’ve had, the reasons to keep going and the fun to come. I’m reminded of all the stories I’ve built and all the stories on the horizon. I’m reminded yet again, that I’m exactly where I need to be…
I do not need to be ashamed of my mistakes nor my lessons. I do not need to hide the growth in which I’ve prevailed. I do not need to stop one thing and start another, nor do I need to stress and try to speed up. Because I’ve done exactly as I was meant to, and I will continue to do exactly as I desire to.
And well, that’s it really!
You’re right where you need to be. Look back and admire the fun, the laughter, the hard times and the significant ones. Look ahead knowing more is to come, so much more. It’s up to you to keep building the reality in which you desire, the same way you have with every little detail of your past.
And guess what? I need more fun right now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Tickets booked to Aus have just been purchased, once again, I need a blowout hahahah
SHE. HER. ME.
So here I am, I guess?
Looking in this mirror and honestly, proud.Proud to be me.
Yet how do you see me?
To you I’m her.
To him I’m she.
To them I’m me.
Oh the joy’s of being perceived.
So many details left a mystery,
So many particulars cast a generalisation.
As I am forced to accept the pigeonhole in which you place me.
Nothing more than a pigeon herself, really…
Still, a proud pigeon at that. Possibly even a dove?
I choose.You simply intrude.
And that’s about it really.
What do you think?
Calling Jesus
Amidst the undercurrent of life sit’s a place of such pivotal depth. A place that holds every ounce of muse you could ever need.
It stems from the bones of our innocence, the roots of our past and the branches of our soul.
They tell us we’re dreamers…“When will you wake up, reality has been calling your name!”
Dreamer or not, I’m awake and I’m listening.
It’s a choice I make each and every day to follow the calling within me, to re-ignite this fire in my belly and build from the deepest corners of my mind.
It is the pursuit of creativity.
The chase of constant muse.
The ability to romanticise our everyday existence.
It is the part of ourself that refuses to accept these white walls are it, or this road that leads to nowhere.
So tell me… If I am a dreamer, what does that make you?
Because these dreams you mock release the rhythm in which I move. And that dance slowly builds the fragments of my muse. And this muse becomes the inspiration of my deepest desires. And those desires are the drive to chase this creativity seeping out of me and turn it something real!
So, call me a dreamer!!!
Tell me I’m different,
judge the depth in which I’m confident enough to consider.
Fear the curiosity I hold to stare you in the eyes, to ask you who you really are, to assess the driving force behind your complex…
Because I will always fucking dream.
These dreams keep me going. And as I actively choose to walk this path, you sit back and watch as I build the life you envy. Because that’s what dreaming does,
it allows you to go bigger,
to see yourself in the light in which you believe you’re capable of.
“The dreams are not reality” you say…But you’re wrong, they’re as real as the past we’ve lived and as mouldable as this future we chase.
So watch me, judge me, call me a dreamer. As a dreamer I am! Forever and always expanding the possibilities of what could be.
And would you believe me if I told you that every. single. ‘seemingly insignificant’ dream I’ve mused, has become the very reality I walk?
Forever a dreamer, and I’m damn fucking proud of that.
Threads
This pavement has been moving far too rapidly under my little feet. I’m running, as fast as I can! Yet it doesn’t seem to be fast enough, which is incredibly infuriating to say the least.
A common theme across multiple avenues of my life, yet all these seperate pathways are now linking up to the same intersection. This is a positive, as it’s the ground work of the last few years finally coming into full fruition. The work I’ve done to actively string together the contrasting threads of my life, pulling them all toward the same Queen stitch. Yet the rate in which it’s all coming together has me almost sprinting, balancing and jumping between every single thread attempting to stay alive, and beat them all to the damn finish line.
Life can be like this at times, and it’s nothing I’m not used to. Nor is it something I’m afraid of… Although I have to admit that my ability to compartmentalise and keep up at such a speed has been incredibly taxing. I’m operating at 30% energy, but expecting 150% output. And the craziest part is that I can’t see it slowing down anytime soon. In fact, I actually think it’s speeding up!
I’m well aware of what’s happening. But fuck man, I’ve been grinding on this wild roller coaster ride since March last year. Every little detail slowly lining up. Visions and dreams I’d been designing are taking physical shape, landing in the real world directly in front of me and I’m standing here like “how the fucking fuck did I get here?!” Yea I know, it all sounds a little airy fairy, and that’s nothing new either as I’ve been attempting to articulate this feeling for the last seven months.
More importantly though… If I can just wrangle my shit together and keep up this crazy lady pace until these threads unite and this foundation is finally fucking stable, that will be the true beginning. The base will be there, and this goddamn pavement won’t be shifting under my feet so much! And that ‘my friends’ is when we build the layers.
Look at it like a triple tier cake, we need a strong foundation that has the capability to hold up all the layers. The layers are the creative part! They are the implementation of the ‘new me’. I hate using that term, yet that’s essentially what they are in their simplest form. It’s a rebirth. Again, dumb term, but 100% accurate.
The old doors have closed. The lessons have been conquered and the slate is finally clean, so every tiny detail of how I move right now matters the most, because it’s the foundation that allows me to accelerate into my future, that gives thanks to the old me and opens new doors for future me.
I can pleasantly say that this next cycle has me pretty excited. It’s also really surprising me! As I’ve mentioned before, I never expected some of these new opportunities to come to light! Yet it all makes so much sense as the inner work I’d been doing is truly being rewarded right now. Money is flowing in like never before, strategy is blossoming and the rewards are flying at me like a jet plane. I’d called it ‘a good string of luck’ in January… Now I think it might run far deeper than that.
Fun fact, I was told that six year old Tessa set one hell of a hefty financial goal to hit before her 30th birthday, and well…she’s certainly going to hit it at this rate! And that’s nothing short of a fucking miracle considering the financial turbulence of the last eight years.
I digress.
We truly do hold more control than we give ourselves credit for, and your missing link is your emotional weight. So, if I was to stop talking about myself for a second and shine the light on you, I’d tell you to take a good hard look at your emotional and energetic leaks, then re-calibrate yourself toward the person who is already succeeding.
Take back those reigns.
Your future is awaiting your arrival.
Together.
Life is fucking bizarre.
In my opinion, everyone is scared.
Scared of passing through life and not being noticed, considered, recognized.
Or,
They’re afraid to grow bored of their sphere, being told to dream bigger, to become more than what they believe they’re capable of.
The fear exists in both realms…
The confidence to be more, and the comfortability with the present.
Regardless, everyone is scared. Because, well, death is an inevitable part of the human experience.
What will you do with this time you’re given?
Yet, our silver lining, is that this extremely raw reality becomes our common denominator…
It builds community, which is the core foundation of the human condition.
So is the fear of existing actually the very blessing we’re constantly searching for?
I’ll leave you to ponder over that one.
Love you xxx
The Rise.
I think it’s fair to say I’m caught in a small daydream right now. From a bird’s-eye view, my life looks as though it exists between two opposing realities. Holding both at once has become a delicate dance, one I would probably admit I’m butchering… or perhaps I’m simply being too hard on myself. Both feel equally probable. So why is this exactly?
I’ve happily found myself back in the Byron Shire, a place I assumed I wouldn’t return to for another year or so. And honestly, it’s been nothing short of a delight. My days have been filled with surprising friends, lighthouse walks and an excessive amount of beach therapy. Entirely appropriate, considering I now have that word permanently tattooed on my ASS. Yes, I almost wish I was joking but hey, live whilst you’re young right?
Yet something has quietly come to light over these last few days of frolicking.
Byron is the place that truly holds my heart. It offers me warmth and clarity unlike anywhere else, which is why I’ve finally begun calling it home. But returning has felt like a subtle, almost rude (if I was to be a Nelly) awakening to just how much I’ve internally changed. Confronting, yet not necessarily in a negative way, I just need to untangle it in order to appreciate it.
I’m no longer the girl I was who moved here. Even though I’ve slipped straight back into familiar routines and rhythms, everything somehow feels… distant? I’ve spent the last few days analysing that feeling, trying to find the exact language for it. And without sounding arrogant, that rarely happens to me. Words usually arrive easily. Yet “distant” is the closest I can get right now.
It’s as though the attachment I once held so tightly has quietly dissolved.
The love remains. The friendships remain. Being here feels effortless, almost as if I never left at all. But my attachment is gone, because I’ve realised I wasn’t holding onto Byron itself.
My friends still see me as me. Byron, as a place, will always receive me exactly as I am. I can come and go and slip back into its rhythm as though no time has passed. So what was I clinging to?
I was holding onto the version of myself that was born here.
She arrived innocently, stripped back from the reality she’d been living in for so damn long and chose to leave behind everything familiar. She stripped herself of old burdens and allowed a completely different perspective on life to emerge. She chose courage over comfort and walked directly into the unknown.
That was the girl who decided to leave Byron and continue exploring.
And somewhere along the way, without even realising it, I began to admire her. Almost as though she existed separately from me. I’ve been in awe of the bravery she carried and the openness she had to rewrite her own story.
But over the past six months, something has shifted. I’ve noticed… I am her now. She wasn’t created because of a place. Byron was simply the seed. The environment that allowed her to begin her renewal.
Now she exists regardless of location. The light she found here travels with her. It follows her wherever she goes next.
And that apiphony has been incredibly freeing. Because instead of feeling tethered to somewhere beautiful, I now feel confident walking forward knowing I carry that version of myself with me.
I am her.
And what a delightful discovery that is… I can now walk forward knowing my new experiences only add value to that woman, and do not subtract from.
ENERGY
We throw around the word energy as if it’s as light as a feather itself, yet if I’ve learned anything, it’s that it is anything but.
Energy is the very fabric of life.
It flows through our being, becomes the essence we embody, the aura we share, even the pace at which we walk. It can be heavy and dark, fierce and forceful… yet equally soft, gentle, comforting and welcoming. It is the quiet compass we use to navigate foreign fields.
Energy is everything.
Yet the reason it’s been on my mind lately, sits in the realm of how casually it’s disregarded. It’s in the innocence of those who seek it endlessly but never replenish it. In the pull of those who take without asking, convinced their reasons are somehow justified, or worse yet, their lack of consciousness to recognise they’re even doing such a thing.
And here lies the difference between low frequency and high frequency individuals. I know… it sounds a little mystical, maybe even unlike me. But we did own a teepee and spend the nights singing and dancing inside it, around a roaring fire when I was a kid (true story, Waiheke Island’s finest breed). Interestingly enough, this is something I only truly began to understand last year.
Let’s break it down.
Low frequency = It is not evil, nor malicious, it is simply unconscious.
It is the state of constantly draining the source without realising it. A narrow field of vision. An inability to escape internal battles, relying on others to hold your emotional weight.
These are the people who unintentionally pull you down with them, who chase empty desires and resist growth. Not because they wish harm, but because it is easier to sit in familiar discomfort with company,
than it is to rise alone.
Harsh, but so fucking true.
High frequency = self-sustaining.
It is the individual who learns to generate their own energy and gives it freely without expectation. The ones who understand that growth is the highest form of power, and regardless of challenge, they answer the call. They inspire, teach and uplift. Not for applause, but because their overflow allows it. High frequency is not a destination you reach, it is a state you cultivate when you realise,
what you project - becomes the feedback loop that you receive.
But here is the part few speak about.
Not all who discover their higher frequency, know how to protect it. Often, those who carry powerful light forget they are not limitless. They allow others to feed from them until they are depleted, mistaking generosity for obligation.
Sometimes it is loneliness. Sometimes ego. Sometimes the fear of walking the path alone is too much to handle, and so, rather than risk the silence, they bleed themselves dry.
And this is the lesson at the core of my understanding:
Discovering your higher frequency, does not mean you have learnt how to use it wisely.
Some lessons can only be learnt through experience. You can love people deeply and still recognise that their journey is not yours to carry. Explaining your discoveries will not save them, as they must arrive there themselves.
Understanding your energy, observing what others bring into your space, recognising your boundaries and then applying them, that is one of life’s greatest challenges. Loneliness, vanity, greed, ego… these are often the very things that stop us from protecting ourselves.
And why is protecting our energy so important?
Because when we are drained, clarity disappears.
Our intuition dulls.
Our creativity shrinks.
We lose the very magnetism that attracts what our soul truly desires and needs.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot influence from a hollow space. You cannot walk beside those you deeply call for or aspire to become while running on nothing.
What we embody is what we attract.
Energy recognises itself.
Full Circle.
The last time I felt this amount of energy flowing through me, this level of push and pull, divine timing, chaos and clarity, whirlwind… was in 2018. That was eight years ago. Interestingly enough, it was at the very beginning of my last karmic cycle.
This same month in 2018, I’d just found out the bank had granted me a 20k loan to start my first business. I was living on the bones of my ass and felt like I had absolutely nothing to lose, matter of fact that was 100% accurate at the time as I’d already lost everything. More importantly, I had the vision of what I wanted to create and knew that no matter how I got there, I would make it happen. Absolutely nothing stood in my way.
In contrast, I’d spent the years leading up to this moment allowing myself to be a victim of my past. I’d played the narrative that regardless of my great ideas and visions, I was not successful enough to bring them to life. That good things and luck don’t happen to people like me, I am not worthy.
Bullshit.
What changed was not luck, financial success or even support networks, it was my mindset. I still had everyone calling me crazy, yet I knew this vision was going to come to life in one way or another. At that point in time I didn’t understand what had changed within me, I was 20 years old and honestly thought that god had finally heard my plea. Now that I’m a little older and smarter, I can clearly see like the light of fucking day that it was a massive internal mindset shift. I flicked the limiting beliefs switch OFF and went from ‘I’m unsure’, to ‘I can and I will’ - Yet I also knew why I wanted to do it.
I didn’t want my business to succeed so I could become rich. I didn’t want it to succeed for me to become a ‘someone’ on societies hierarchal ladder. I didn’t want it to succeed for any reason other than providing a safe space for my community. A place that allowed all walks of life to enjoy a bloody good coffee and build connection. On the days they awoke feeling like a failure or lost and confused, they knew I would be there 7 days a week with my doors wide open to offer them a routine, that got them out of fucking bed.
Without me knowing, that was my golden ticket - It was a selfless act.
I put myself on the line to create something of value for others.
I know what you’re thinking, “yea yea Tess you’re like fucking jesus, we get it”. No no, that is not the point of this story, the point is to highlight the catalyst moments that made this story happen in the first place. As I said, at the time I had no idea I was doing these things, yet after the last seven years analysing every possible angle of both my failure and success… I have managed to diagnose the strategy already trialled and now understand exactly how to re-create it, time and time again, to reach the same success in other avenues of my life. Even more significantly,
how to teach others the same strategy
This story might be about me, yet the Northstar is far from. It actually has very little to do with me, I’m simply using my own life as the test dummy.
So how does this lead us to now?
Over recent months I’ve spent countless hours of my time scheming, researching and slowly building together the pieces of my next business. Yet I now find myself at an interesting conjunction… I need a few lifts from god in order to make this all play out the way I desire it to, and in the next 48 hours I will find out if the universe agrees with my strategy to getting there - or not. Very nerve wrecking, and to be completely transparent, I’m literally so nervous that I’ve spent the last 15 hours vomiting. A very normal human reaction, unfortunately… (At least that’s what I’m telling myself).
Surprisingly I actually see that as a positive, because it shows the weight in which I believe in this, and how much I really fucking want it to happen. Which leads me to this simple breakdown of steps:
Know your why. It is absolutely mandatory to know your why. If you don’t have your why, then you’re not ready and the tools you need will not be granted. You will simply find yourself at roadblock after roadblock. Having your why is important as it sets the undercurrent to everything you do.
Define your VISION - MISSION - NORTH STAR. Now this is a strategy I learnt working for a technology start-up. If you know anything about start-ups, it’s that they’re tumultuous environments, constantly evolving, pivoting, adapting and growing at such rapid rates that keeping up with your hat still on, is equally as challenging as meeting your demands. Vision is what you’re creating, mission is how you’re creating it, and north star is your why. When I say my next business will take 4+ years for me to build… that’s my north star! It’s the main reason everyone under one companies roof will drive to succeed, it’s the beating drums behind the entire purpose of your business.
Do it for the right reasons. Now I know many people will likely disagree with me here, but I’ve spent copious amounts of time and energy understanding real financial success, and life’s definition of ‘wealth’. To put this bluntly… If you’re chasing empty desires like status, materialistic validation or power, you will fail. Why? God does not grant true wealth to greed. It’s literally that straight forward! And no, I’m not christian, it’s simply the easiest definition for describing the divine. So what defines ‘right’, easy… Are you building something that solves a problem? Are you creating something that adds real value? Are you designing something that helps people? Does your north star cultivate community and connection? If you say yes, then you’re on the right track. Again… God will listen to those who are chasing a better world. Ask yourself this everyday and remain aligned.
These are the tools to your success.
Now I’ll be honest here… I wrote the first half of this piece 4 months ago now. Fast forward to now, I can tell you point blank that my greatest wish was heard and the last 4 months were the most enlightening, challenging and magnificent ones yet. So if you were not listening before, I sure as hope you’re listening now, as I’m walking talking PROOF of the success these strategies can bring.
This is not some woowoo shit, this is proven strategies to reaching your definition of success and bringing something from the dream state into reality. This is the difference between being someone who dreams, versus someone who BUILDS.
So here I am, still at the infancy stage of my own journey, yet precisely where I need to be. Everything has been building in the background, I’ve been silently doing the work and this dream continues to develop. Opportunities are coming at me left, right and centre, and I know I’m granted everything I need this year to continue the climb. You ask me what I’m doing? I’m being the test dummy of my book, living out the practices I preach, so I know with 150% certainty and confidence that THEY WORK.
Keep watching, keep reading, this shit’s getting real team.
I’m no longer a girl who dreams, I’m a woman who builds.
Try get in my way and I might light you on fire.
TRUST, on your terms.
I’ve always wondered why people are so quick to blame others for a bump in the road. Misbehaviour some even might say.
In my eyes, if someone has mistreated you, disrespected you, whatever the situation may be… With the knowing that all I can control is my own actions, my first response is to look myself in the mirror and ask what boundary I might have miscommunicated, or potentially did not communicate at all.
I understand people can do some shit things in the realm of love, sex and all that sit in-between, yet blaming others and saying “fuck you, I’m innocent in all this” unfortunately won’t achieve anything.
They hurt you, okay. Move on. That’s pretty much it? If someone you love has hurt you, bank that knowledge, then apply it to the boundaries you put in place moving forward. It’s really that simple…
You can’t go back in time, you can’t block them out of your life (well you can but they’ll always be in your life as a lesson so what does blocking them achieve?), you can only look at yourself and ask what could ‘I’ have done better to potentially avoid this situation reoccurring in my future.
I’ve always said to my girlfriends,
‘wrapping someone up in bubble wrap and tying a ribbon on the top unfortunately doesn’t achieve anything’.
No matter how ‘perfect’ you may be, how long you’ve been together, married or unmarried…
The thought that another being is your territory is not only disrespectful and immature, it’s actually the polar opposite of trust, as holding trust IS respect, which equals unconditional love.
Consider this approach…
I trust the people I love to make the right decisions for them, for their own personal growth.
I choose that. I extend that trust to them.
If they break that arm I’ve extended out, that’s on them.
I choose to extend it accepting the unknown of how it’s received, the same way they choose whether to respect that I’ve extended it, or not…
The choice is their’s, as much as it is my own.
Trust in a relationship is crucial. You cannot move forward without it. So find where your line is and make sure you draw it in the sand for those around you.
The rest is up to them.
All you can control is yourself.
Your actions, your mentality, your values and your limits.
Learn them, then apply them… What people choose to do with them is completely out of your control.
And that’s why essentially, trust starts and ends with ourself. We have to learn what it means to us, define it on our own and know ourselves well enough to apply it to all the relationships we develop throughout our time on this planet.
Try it. Try holding yourself accountable for once.
FUCK THE NOISE.
JUST FUCKING GO DO IT.
SILENT MOVES
LOUD RESULTS
Everything happening around you is unhelpful and unnecessary distraction. Remove it.
ZERO FUCKS - FULL FOCUS.
GO.
On we go
I entered the new year feeling very at peace with myself. Accepting what is, has been, could be and what is simply not. Yet I’ve noticed myself becoming horribly critical toward my output as the year begins to find it’s feet. It’s as if my mind has gone ‘you’ve had enough rest now, it’s time to pick up your shit and start powering forward again’, yet my body has not caught up to my mind yet.
I’d consider myself a pretty driven person most of the time, but with this has come plentiful burn out, over-analyzation and extreme self-criticism. My mind really struggles to take the gas off and as efficient as that sounds, it’s actually been the opposite. I can run a million miles per hour yet be running in circles, and it’s taken me years to realise this. I have to be very discipline, structured and methodical when it comes to ticking things off my never-ending to do list. It takes active control and effort to reign myself in and focus on the present mountain, instead of jumping from one to the next and never completing anything… Ugh, I’m so good at draining my own energy wowee. And yet people ask why I’m so extroverted? Well… the noise stops when I’m in good company, so I run to people when I’m overwhelmed or misguided by my own compass. Some people recharge alone, I recharge with people. Not awfully helpful when I’m battling burn out though, which seems to happen atleast once or twice a year. Hmmm…
Sometimes I wish I could switch it all off. Find a way to just coast instead of constantly striving. I used to think it’s because I wanted more, yet I’ve luckily learnt it’s actually just purpose driven - I find copious amounts of fulfilment when I’m actively participating in the direction of my life. I still save room for spontaneity and surprise, allowing life to guide me forward, yet a rough agenda and schedule designed to keep me moving and not remain stagnant is 100% mandatory for me. I need things to look forward to, otherwise I shut down and find myself doing the motions with zero active intention and consciousness fuelling my fire. Routine only works for me in sprints, not in longevity. I thrive in the chaos as much I do in the order, so creating room for both which I can easily swing in and out of, is hands down my happy place. For example, I’m back home in New Zealand right now and as much as I love reconnecting with my roots, I’m well aware that there is a point in which I’ll be itching to leave. I can’t stay here too long, otherwise I start feeling like I’m falling backwards again. So I’ve set myself seven weeks, in which I’ll be helping mates out with their businesses, keeping busy and can still get out of here on a high. If I pushed that to say nine or ten weeks… I’d be in trouble. Does that make sense? I thrive in change and challenge, and although a little stability in-between can be grounding for awhile, it’s not the place I like to stay too long and convincing me otherwise is like putting a knife to my dreams. A bit dramatic maybe, but the stability is a place I accepted for years whilst I hustled through business ownership and now the thought of doing that again sounds like a death wish. One day I’ll be ready to cultivate more order, yet that time is not now and it won’t be for awhile.
As I find myself in this short sprint of routine and mundanity, it’s important I find the balance between discipline yet also patience and kindness toward myself. Everyday still do one thing that aids my growth, and also do one thing that say’s ‘you’re doing good Tess, don’t stress too much’. The balance would be incredibly effective if I can summon it! Harder said then done though… Yet I do hope to go a little easier on myself, trusting in the process and disabling the emotional attachment to these rather insignificant milestones. If I’m clear about what it is I’m working toward and cultivating, which I am… And I’m still heading in that general direction even if it’s not as straight of a road I’d hoped for… which again, I am… Then everything is just dandy, right? Why waste energy kicking myself for the slower days, when it gives me the stamina for the busy days? Why waste energy telling myself I’m doing it wrong when that energy could be used toward getting it right next time? Why spend so much time upstairs in the compartments of my fucking brain when I could be spending that time actioning my life in reality? See… I’m self aware enough to pin point precisely where my speed bumps are, I just need to improve the tactics in which I drive them.
Aw man, what a world we live in. One day at a time, step by step, not mountain by mountain. Slow down to speed up Tessa.
Howie.
You’re everywhere. As intoxicating as it is, I find my heart still full of warmth.
Discovering my ability to hold grief and gratitude in equilibrium. Learning how the two can co-exist, as we slow dance our way through this season.
A dance that only you and I know, the way we always have, the way we will continue to do just so.
Angry, yet equally compassionate. Sad, yet equally happy. Scared, yet equally excited. Done, yet equally open. What a beautiful contradiction…
These times are not predictable, nor are they consistent. Describe to me, what is right and wrong? Because love holds onto neither.
Ride this wave in all it’s tides, sail yourself through this storm and I’ll meet you at our next destination xxx