SEX
It’s physical,
it’s taboo, yet it’s human nature…
So why does it fuck everything up so much?
Sex has never been a taboo topic in my life. In fact, my mother raised me in an environment that was extremely open minded when it came to any taboo topic… Sex, drugs, money, love, rock n roll and pretty much anything that was ‘off limits’ was ON RECORD with my mother. This meant I was exposed to a lot, yet it was my norm and I never saw that as a bad thing, regardless of the many adults frowning down on my mothers parenting techniques. She always said “Tess they don’t like to talk about it because they’re scared, do you want to be scared of these things? Because you can’t be, they’re crucial stages of your individual development.” Also necessary to add the fact that I’m the youngest of 5 kids, 2 brothers, 2 sisters and all older. This equalled in me happily watching all their fuck up’s and making sure I noted what not to do and what to do. Lucky me!
Now looking back I laugh at my mothers sayings, yet she was in fact correct! Having SEX (let’s put it in caps for emphasis) be a completely normal thing made it a lot easier for me to navigate my way through these experiences and develop myself in that area of my authenticity. I will forever feel completely comfortable talking about sex, as if it’s another limb on my body that does what it wants, when it wants because to put it simply, I’m jam packed WITH HORMONES and they RAGE! They absolutely beg for dopamine and hey, that’s NORMAL!
There happens to be a multitude of segue’s I could take this conversation. One of them being, why are men known to have high sex drives yet woman be the more submissive within a sexual opportunity? No wonder woman always feel so under valued! From my perspective, we allow ourselves to be taken for granted by the simple act of accepting the male stereo type. Excuse me in advance, but NO. I choose what I want, when I want it and how I get it, I define that, not anyone else.
Where there is a problem, is the stereo types and expectations built by the porn industry, creating false illusions around the act of sex itself. Now I don’t personally have a vendetta against the porn industry, in fact I watch porn rather frequently and thoroughly enjoy myself every time! It’s so unrealistic and far fetched that I can tap out mentally, get myself off and have a lovely indulgent time regardless of my current state of play. Yet I’ll admit, sometimes I get a tad too distracted by my mind wondering if the woman are actually enjoying it or not. I’ve concluded that more often than not it’s got to be a no, like… how? There’s simply too much going on sometimes! RIGHT??!!?! I mean I’m a kinky lass but hell, some next fucking level shit exists on there.
I digress.
So why is sex so taboo? If it’s something incredibly primal and freeing, one of our many natural ways to build dopamine, why is it so offensive? Here is a list of potential candidates…
Many people have never experienced a healthy relationship with sex. It’s more often than not seen as an obligation, cage, favour or simple pleasure.
Insecurity followed by the burning need for validation
Because it was never talked about, people had to learn what it looked like on their own, in the dark, allowing other people and some maybe not so good people, teach them the rights and wrongs of a sexual relationship. Maybe those relationships were abusive, maybe they got taken for granted, maybe they hadn’t defined their own sexual boundaries and walked away feeling used… There is a disgusting amount of variables here, which makes me so incredibly sad. Why?
Sex should be about you and a lover, expressing, giving and evolving your connection. Even if you’re not in a relationship, you should be having sex with people you trust, people you want to explore your sexual being with, people who stimulate you and allow you the space to push your vulnerability as you let them physically inside of you, and or you let them take you.
It’s a shared experience, an incredible gift! And no, this doesn’t mean you have to be ‘in love’ in order to have sex, not in the slightest… but you do have to care enough to have a relationship with this person for the rest of your life. WILD, I know! I can imagine everyones faces right now thinking of all the disgusting memories from their one night stands, yea I know I’ve been there. We’ve all been there! Yet that memory will forever live on, so it’s important you feel safe and in control.
Speaking from my own experiences, I’ve learnt a few things and unfortunately it’s slightly difficult to put on the page, so give me time here, give me the chance to find the words, because let me tell you… Most are dumb, others have taught me a lesson about inner feelings that are EXTREMELY difficult to articulate.
I’ve managed to end up in some rather fascinating (delicate choice of words for a reason) scenarios throughout my time of sexual exploration. Once, I found myself lying on my back against a rug more expensive than my car, bra wrapped around my waist exposing my breasts, lace underwear still attached to only one foot and a beautiful man between my legs. As he ate me out I would stretch my head back in satisfaction and watch fire dance in the fireplace behind me. Covered in sweat, I’d tug on the collar of his top as he made me orgasm. The experience was simply spectacular, until he looked up at me with a cheeky grin and I was reminded that I was just another girl lying on her sugar daddy’s rug and entertaining him so I could walk home with an extra dollar in my pocket. As my morals hit me in the face ‘like a brick being hurled at me from a distance’ and the cocaine we’d had earlier had worn off, I pulled myself away and reached for my clothes. This was followed by a very horny and now aggressive man tugging at my body as he forced me into the corner of his bedroom. Don’t worry, I managed to get out in time but it wasn’t pretty. Honestly, my fault for putting myself in a situation I never realised I couldn’t follow through with! I understand some people would disagree with that sentence, yet if you’re willingly putting yourself in a situation with someone you don’t trust, that’s on you.
As I got into the uber that night, I was amazed at how dirty I felt considering I was in one of richest homes on the strip, wearing over $2000.00 on my body, drinking $800 champagne whilst doing the cleanest drugs I’d touched in a long time. I left that experience thankfully unharmed physically, yet very disturbed mentally. How far would I go for money? Or was it attention I was after? I’ll still never really know. Yet what I did manage to learn about myself, is no amount of money nor pent up hormones can make me end up in that situation again, regardless of how many times I bashed my head up against the wall considering it. Money and sex as a conjoint can make you do weird things…
Another time I managed to go from a singular glass of wine to finding myself diving into a strangers pool in my birthday suit. Best friend in tow and drunk to the point of zero fucks given, we decided to strip down the gentleman who’d politely paid for all our drinks that evening and push him into the pool so he could join our shenanigans. Many dives progressively turning into bombs we became slightly chilly, forcing us to step into the spa next to the pool. Both on each side of this gentleman, it didn’t take long before the heat rose and we were neck deep in raging hormones. I tugged at my best friends neck whilst pulling her in for a lip bite, she reached her hand down my backside and slid her fingers between my clit and my anus. After returning the favour, we both got cozy as this gentleman took turns sucking on our nipples and caressing our breasts. Before things could be taken any further, the homeowners came raging out (perfect timing in retrospect) and next minute we were two drowned rats frolicking topless down the main road of Milford. After waking up with headaches the size of China, we both stared at the ceiling whilst pulling up my duvet over our faces and giggling to the disgrace of our actions. This time blaming the combination of alcohol and sex…
Oh and did I need mention that the men in both these instances were married? Yea, I wish I was lying… It seems to be an unfortunate trait of mine which I certainly don’t wave around like another notch on my belt. In some very disturbed part of my brain, I’ve managed to convince myself that my own actions were only endorsed by the ones around me. Basically me attempting to pull a get out of jail free card because I was only endorsed by them approaching me in the first place? Such bullshit… At least I can count the married men on one hand, right? That’s a positive?! (Imagine me doing the ‘I’m sucking on a sour lemon’ face). As I said, I’m no saint. It also doesn’t help that I don’t believe in marriage and have learnt most married couples are incredibly unhappy. Yet I won’t use that as an excuse for my disturbed morals in that realm of sexual fantasy.
It’s far too easy for me to continue with these stories. I have everything from cheating on my boyfriend to sleep with one of the hottest girls I’ve ever seen in Zicatala, using the excuse that it’s not cheating if it’s a girl (I was 18, don’t blame me). To sleeping with my boss (long long time ago, don’t get ideas), nearly having a foursome with swingers and even a guy saying “I have to warn you, it’s really fucking big” followed by me obviously saying “pfft don’t even”… Let’s just say I was in pain for the 3 day’s following and so the list goes on. One thing I can admit though, which is the main conclusion in all this nonsense is that true love really does beat it all.
When I met the love of my life 6 years ago, my sexual exploration has never been the same. I’ve still done a fuck ton of dumb shit, but it was often as a reaction to his actions in times of independence. Sex with him is different, it’s not only the hottest fucking thing on the planet but it’s the intertwining of two people physically communicating the compounding love they have for one another. It’s completely incomparable and trust me we have tried very hard to compare it!!! Nothing wins. As cliche it may be, unconditional love has a power like no other.
Yet to us, sex is still not taboo, off the record or a competition. Our sexual relationship is built off of the foundations we’ve spent the last 6 years building. This allows our relationship to become compartmentalised from other sexual experiences. The freedom to roam as we please and continue to discover our own individual sexuality, allowing love for others to still stand strong, yet never in the way of nor decreasing the value of our own love. In my mind, being ‘IN LOVE’ with someone is very different to simply loving someone. For example, I still love my exes with all my heart, they’re incredible men who had a great impact on me, yet I continue to be in love with my current partner whilst simultaneously still loving my exes. Same goes for anyone I meet as I walk my own individual path… I might discover a love for someone else, yet it’s never an attachment (very important word) and it’s still compartmentalised in my brain from my partner and our built and trialled foundation, our forever growing love and capacity to do life together. No one can take that away from us and if they do then there’s an enlightening discovery we clearly needed to make anyway. The discovery that maybe our partnership is not invincible and there is in fact someone else better for us, and what a great discovery to make as we would’ve dodged a bullet!
Sex does not equal ownership. Sex does not have to exist in the same sentence as attachment. Sex is simply an animalistic expression and experience. It does not have to be as taboo or complicated, territorial or controversial as we allow it to be. As animals it’s our prerogative to pro-create. Love sits in another box. Partnership and being ‘in love’ has yet another box. They’re all within their own boxes, compartmentalised from one another, co-existing within my body and brain. They do not compete, they do not jump ship. Each box has it’s own rules, guidelines and purpose to my individual growth.
All those crazy stories I told you before, they sit in one part of my brain, still important yet potentially in the more dumb memory box. They experiences I’ve built with my partner are in it’s own box with his name written on it, that’s completely impenetrable because I’ve designed it that way. Does this make sense? As I mentioned earlier, “It is 100% an inner feeling that is EXTREMELY difficult to articulate” and the only word s that come close are:
Respect. Trust. Self Reliance.
I continue to discuss these controversial topics in my forever progressing book, which I hope will one day be published and available for the world to read and rumble over my seemingly ‘crazy’ concepts of sex, love and all the things in-between. Until then, maybe this gives you something to ponder over.