Creative Block .
I’ve heard the term ‘writers block’ get thrown around a lot. I always thought it was specific to one’s agenda, perfectionism or maybe lack of determination. As it turns out, writers block is in fact a thing and my god does it suck…
I’m experiencing my first ever ‘block’ as we speak, although it’s not specific to my writing, it’s my overall creative expression. I have too much to say, so I’ll start typing and within moments I find myself pulling apart the insignificance of each piece. I’ll get a marketing idea for the business yet as I start unravelling it to existence I find it somehow irrelevant. Even at work, I’m noticing my brain decide that what’s in front of me is suddenly not important… I mean cmon!!
To give some context here, the usual me has a capability to pump out so much creative juice for multiple avenues all at once, that I need to run 10kms just to decompress… I’m talking a journal on me at all times to write down every little idea I get so I can flick back at it each evening and determine what’s realistic and what’s a future problem. I never usually struggle with my creativity, let alone my writing.
So we have a problem. Now let’s try establish why…
I’ve been working 60 plus hour weeks for the last 3 months
I’ve been sleeping maybe 5/6 hours max a night due to insomnia and anxiety
When I’m stressed I loose my appetite, so let’s just say black coffee has equalled fuel
I have seven employees with needs far more important than my own
I have a house to run, a seven day week business, a full time lead role for a start up company and honestly… These things alone are more than enough to drive someone crazy !
Long in the short, my wick is burnt at all ends and there is pretty much zero I can do to fix it. My current strategy = One foot in front of they other, focus on today not tomorrow and just. get. through. Is it working? Actually yes it is and I say that with a huge sense of fulfilment. I certainly do not undermine the strength and determination it takes to run a schedule like my own, yet would I change it? Certainly not. I’ve always been the type to work until 2am and enjoy every millisecond of it. When my creativity is flowing, I’m succeeding, that’s just me and hey, I like it that way. Yet how long is it truly sustainable for?
Currently, I’m experiencing a level of exhaustion that some might call ‘burn out’. Due to this exhaustion I’m failing to create the juice that needs squeezing to create my lemonade, and that’s a massive fucking problem. Its like taking a lollipop away from a child and we all know that’s never good, especially if the kid has already tasted how good the lollipop is!
Now some might protest and say, “Tess, you’re writing now, how can that be if you have zero capability of expression?” Well, if I’m brutally honest I will admit that tonight i’m having my first drink after a week long detox and let’s just say that my dopamine levels have risen and the alcohol is working it’s magic and I’m not mad about it! I’ve always known that a tipple of alcohol can help me achieve an extreme level of creativity, yet I’ve hated to admit it as with admittance comes acceptance which equals bad habits. Now would I classify myself as an alcoholic? NO! Certainly not! I’ve always said my Spanish genes are the reason I somewhat live off my red wines and that’s not stopping anytime soon. My attitude… if I’m achieving in the day, if I’m totally fucking slaying then why not have your guilty pleasures?! I mean who doesn’t?! It would truly be rude not to in my humble, personal opinion (she says after two glasses of chilled Montepulciano) … Yet I will admit, this is the problem with my ‘one foot in front of they other’ attitude, as it deals with the current whilst compartmentalising the negative impact of repetition.
It’s probably time to move onto the solution. Which yes, I’ll admit isn’t alcohol or any other substances that may enhance natural stimulation. The best way I can tackle this is a step by step breakdown of my next few moves.
Make a plan that aids stress levels and revitalises stable dopamine levels
Eat regularly
Lower caffeine, nicotine and alcohol intake (ahhh eeee ohhhhhhh hard!)
With a plan comes gaps = spare time to capitalise on creative flow
The imperfections of a creative block could be seen as authenticity, so find a way to accept it
Don’t work 60 plus hour weeks… this is kinda obvious but hey you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes to get through!
Solitude
Love myself enough to let go of the expectations and re-establish flow
Today on After Hours I uncovered a minority of thought processes. As follows:
“Taking a look through the personal telescope today, I notice patterns in my mental stability. As I walk an incredibly tight rope juggling multiple avenues in my life, I’ve come to realise that it’s been the most insignificant faculties that have managed to push my neatly ordered books off the bookshelf. As I ponder over ways to re stack my books in an efficient manner, the dominant trend is a step by step process accompanied with positive latitude - Hence this diagram. It’s a simple way to articulate our mind, reminding us that when healthy we have an equilibrium between positive and negative space. When life gets a bit much, we sway into the negative space as an organic reaction. It’s important to control our mind when this happens and step to the left, into the positive space in order to use our energy in an effective and achieving manner.”
It’s been terribly easy for me to step into a negative space the moment something unexpected has cropped up. When I do so, my whole mind tips and everything caves all at once. This is a very unsustainable way for me to move forward. I need to slow down enough to catch my breath and step into the positive space before I completely crumble.
Yet on a contrasting note, this is all just a temporary fix for a much bigger issue, like putting a plaster over a wound. The bigger issue is that I’ve been running at this pace for so damn long, I’m talking a good five years, that my body and mind is exhausted.
I know what I need to do to find my creative flow again but I always find myself resisting. Maybe because I’m scared to compromise on other desires, or I’m afraid to do it alone, who knows. What I do know is by releasing the tension ever so slightly and stepping toward the direction I’ve always dreamt of, naturally… my creativity will flourish and my mind and body will have the energy to work as one again. Bliss.
The more I keep pushing myself to achieve in this exhausted and over played status quo, the more I realise I don’t want what I’m currently running toward. Money, success, the city life and for what? So I can prove to myself that I did it? But what’s the point if by the time I reach it, I’m so exhausted and creatively challenged that I can’t do anything but admire it and walk away…
It’s time to slow down, in order to speed up in the right avenue.