Transiting
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a tad all over the shop right now.
I’m transiting through time zones, people, love and money. Taking in every ounce of learning mentally and physically possible. It’s been… a lot, to say the least. Incomparable highs accompanied with brutal lows. As I move through these contrasting energies, I find myself morphing into who I need to be within the sphere that currently surrounds me. I’m like a little fucking chameleon! It’s a great way to be, although as mentioned in a recent post, at what point do I know when to re-align with my own values and genuine self?
I’ve always held pride in my ability to mould myself, deliberately ignoring the shape it moulds me into and whether that shape is a good one or bad one. In saying that, I don’t believe in good or bad, I prefer to call it all one big learning flow, which removes the energy attached to a ‘good’ and or ‘bad’ experience. It makes everything just one big pool of experience where both positive and negative exist simultaneously.
When I look at my encompassing goal for the second half of 2025, it was to cease each and every opportunity that came my way and put this whole ‘you can manifest anything’ crap to the real test. It’s become clear that those little leaps of faith can push you toward greater growth and directly into the opportunities designed for you, yet that doesn’t mean it’s always ‘fun’ or ‘easy’. A massive misconception created by… social media? Oop, she said it! Putting this absurd happy go lucky spin on these great leaps we take in life - Which makes sense, considering it’s easier for people to take those leaps if they believe it will release ultimate happiness - Yet it’s false and in many ways almost disheartening - This is a much greater space which leads us into the realm of sales and marketing, where tactics are designed solely off the back of your envy and insecurities - A space I will discuss in a seperate post…
As I continue to transit between all of this change, I’m quickly learning that holding your own backbone, a strong and stable foundation within you - is critical to the success of positive evolution. Learning how to take what you need but leave what does not serve you, is a truly impressive skill that one can take half their life to learn. More specific to myself, I’m grasping this idea that when my backbone is strong and stable, I hold the ability to observe and not react. I let go of all the emotions attached to specific experiences and replace it with pragmatic thinking.
For example, on my current journey here in New York, I’ve had an array of good things happen! I’ve met some incredible people that have not just helped me in the current, yet I know will have an impact on me in the near future. I’ve had revelations and opportunities pop up all over the shop. Yet at the same time, I’ve had many bad things happen. I’ve met some pretty fucked up people with shit values, and ended up in situations that served me some seriously ugly realities on a shiny silver platter. Both good and bad have existed, both of which have offered me reflection and growth. My ability to let both be present within my experience and not react, comes down to the strength of my own backbone - The ability to observe these emotions and not ‘act’ on them.
Learn how to observe and not emotionally react. It doesn’t serve you any good, allowing all this weight to sit on one thought or emotion. Seperate the two - It will help you unleash copious amounts of inner potential.
Move It.
I’ve had too many conversations as of late that highlight just how ‘stuck’ many people are finding themselves.
Trust me, I get it! Feeling stuck is a natural part of re-routing. Although it seems that many find themselves unable to recognise why they’re stuck in the first place. Most of these conversations go somewhat like this:
Them: “My goal is to get to X but I can’t yet so I’m just doing XY for now”
Me: “Why can’t you?”
Them: “I haven’t had enough time - I’m unsure if it will work - I don’t have enough money etc”
Me: “Okay, make more time - Make a plan to build your income and reach your goal - Your reasons to feeling stuck is your lack of determination to get to XYZ. You’re actually not stuck at all, you’re just lazy. All you need to do is write down the various factors that stand in your way, then build a strategic plan to fuck them off and get to your goal”
Them: “That will take too long”
Me: “Then you clearly don’t want it bad enough”
Them: “Oh"
In most cases, the reasons for being stuck are simple factors that you can easily remove to get to your goal. Things like:
I’m fat, I don’t like myself - Okay, change your habits, go to the gym and work with an aligned health professional
I don’t have enough money - Okay, ask for a pay rise, change your spending habits and or apply for a more financially aligned job
I don’t have enough time - Make time. There is always time! All you have to do is learn to prioritise that time appropriately
My environment makes me sad - Change your environment
I can’t find love - Because you’re looking too hard, focus on yourself first and the rest will follow
The reason most people fail to recognise these simple solutions simply comes down to their fear of recognising what that change means. Usually, it means you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You have to make some big pivotal change and it will change the course of your life forever. Yet that’s no reason not to do it. If you’re stuck and you sit there day in day out complaining about how miserable you are, then you need to make the change. If you’re feeling stuck, it’s because something is not working.
In most of my coaching sessions, I get out a piece of A3 paper and on the left side we write down the reasons why you feel stuck - On the right side we write where you want to be - In the middle we then build a simple strategic map to get you from the left, to the right - All that sit’s within the middle is usually the factors you’re scared to do, so I always say “how badly do you want to get to the right side?”
Now you can clearly recognise that you’re stuck because of your fear, not because of all these various factors you continue to let block you. It’s a very simple and digestible strategy we use to help people navigate through their hardships and get their mind and body into a higher frequency of thinking. There is no roadblock, not really… It’s just life being life and your ability to turn your thoughts into actions, and understand the strategies that best apply to you reaching your own personal success.
In more complex cases, the reasons will hold more weight:
I’m in an unhappy marriage
My business is going bankrupt
I’ve lost myself and now Im a bad parent
Yet even when they’re huge life altering reasons like so, when the decisions you make next not only alter your course, yet those around you too… it is a bigger and more complex roadblock. Although, it’s never unable to be changed and building a strategic plan to get you to where you need to be, still applies all the same. You just need a few extra buffers to fall back on when plan A and B potentially get tossed out the door. The bigger the leap, the larger our piece of paper. This way we know we have covered all the variables moving forward and your mind can settle into the safety of knowing you will still get to the other side. Key ingredient to growing the balls you’ll need to make the change in the first place.
A personal example I recently navigated:
My ex and I had been together for coming on seven years. Our relationship had always been full of fire, as two fierce independents who fell in love at a very unplanned, rather inconvenient time. This made for a good amount of collaboration, incredibly strong and open communication paths, and the winning factor - trust. Our love always and continues to run very deep in our veins, yet logically our paths have always clashed. His work pulled him out of the country or to remote locations for a good 8 months of every year, and my business kept me stuck in one city, unable to move with the flexibility I deeply desired. We made it work regardless and did pretty damn good throughout the constant highs and lows of our relationships navigation, and we equally adapted where necessary to keep the relationship together.
Yet 2025 rolled around and we both found ourselves ready to be free of the relationships never-ending push and pull. We equally desired to move forward without the limitations of our relationship. In our minds, it didn’t alter our love, if anything it strengthened it. Yet this was a very trivial and challenging leap for us to make, as we knew our individual paths would more likely than not lead us on completely opposing trajectories. As the parts of ourselves needing more growth would impact who we both are at our core, and therefore alter what we might want in our future.
Both of us were, and in some ways still are, fearful to let go of the ‘future us’ we had originally designed. Letting go of our relationship was far more than just letting go of one another… It was saying goodbye to the future we had collectively collaborated on building together - To our biggest safety net to date (each other) - To the home we’d built together and the friends and family we’ve shared over the last seven years. Will we ever find one another again? If we don’t, will we ever find someone who compares? Is losing all of this worth the gain of our next endeavours? We had so many questions, and those questions was all the fear that powered through our bodies.
Even harder when it’s not coming from a lack of love, simply a lack of alignment.
The never ending need to follow our own callings, to chase our crazy and wild childhood pipeline dreams was more important than our relationship. We knew that all the fear was the very reason we had to leave. The issues within our relationship and as individuals would never be resolved without taking this leap. Our need to keep growing in order to become better as individuals, felt inevitable.
Are we happier now? In many ways, yes! In just 10 months, we’ve both managed to push ourselves to far greater places and into some incredible experiences that never would’ve developed within the limitations of our relationship. Our stories are greater, our opportunities are more vast and our freedom to move and pivot to wherever our next calling is, is exponential! Yet I’d be lying to you if I said in many ways we’re also unhappy. With all those highs, we still have the lows of loneliness, what if’s and the continued grief of leaving the person you loved for so long.
But here is the key:
We were not chasing happiness, we were chasing growth.
When we look back at our main goal for both our relationship and our independent futures, it was growth. We already had happiness and unhappiness in fleeting moments, that feeling remains! Yet we’ve grown more into the people we desire to be individually and continue to become, at the expense of our relationship. A calculated risk that honoured our original goal - Never stand in the way of each others growth.
Now I’m not saying the answer is to walk away, that’s not necessarily relevant for everyone in a stuck relationship. Alas, when you find yourself caught between where you currently are and where you desire to be - It becomes rather critical that you analyse what stands in the way of you reaching further success, regardless of how hard it may be. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself continuously becoming more numb to your routine, surroundings, relationships and entire approach to life. It’s what we call ‘moving from a low frequency mindset’ - Whereas in contrast, when you move from a high frequency mindset you will consistently honour your need to grow, expand, challenge and awaken. You hold enough courage and optimism to put your own needs first and trust that what is aligned for you will follow.
In conclusion, you’re not stuck - You’re scared, and that’s normal. Although I must ask you, how long will you allow yourself to remain stuck? I say, no longer. Let’s make some moves and build you a strategic way forward, your future self will thank you.
If you’re reading this and need help in building a way forward, slide into my dm’s or flick me an email. I promise I don’t bite.
Apples
Touched down in New York City. A place I’ve dreamt about since I was 16 years old. The constant chaos, muse and noise adding to the evolution of my very being. A place where you don’t stop - you run, at the fastest speed you can through the never ending streets. You hustle, network, build the foundation toward your success. The city that never sleeps offering you fame and wonders. The place you come to embody your main character personality…
Blindsided, perhaps.
Feelings of naivety, innocence and emptiness sweep over me. I’m unsure what I expected, but I can promise you it seemed more ‘light’ in my mind than this. Off the back of discovering who I really am, what my values are and how I consistently apply them to all I do… I now find myself challenged more than ever to push away the noise and stay on my own path.
As NYC screams my name into the air, I find myself caught between who I am,
and who I need to be.
I see people who lack substance. Their complexities stem only from their emotional inabilities. Harsh, I know. As if their capability to sugar coat their existence with flashy things acts as a sort of ‘temporary’ bandaid to the hollowness they truly feel. A place full of such wonder has birthed sheep who dress in ties to prove they’re worth something. Sheep who value hierarchy, wealth and status. I ask you, “tell me who you are” - You reply with how much money you make, who you hangout with and what your position at work is. This is not the question I’m asking though… TELL ME WHO YOU FUCKING ARE!!! And now here I am, demanding myself to stand in front of these cameras and tell you why I’m worthy. Yet I do not desire to prove myself through insignificant values.
I ponder - ‘Is it possible to reach success without being a narcissist?’ - I’m unsure, and that’s very conflicting.
I’m frustrated the world can still exist this way. Have I really lived in blissful ignorance for this long?! I’ve already gone down this overpopulated materialistic path before and I simply refuse to do it again. Should I sympathise? As we are a product of our environment and this entire place is built to pull lost puppies into it’s kennel and feed them treats when they ‘succeed’. Yes, I am referring to people as puppies…
Saddened by the realisation that I have to step into someone I am not, in order to become someone they recognise, knowing I’ll have to find my way back home when the time comes to leave. That is all but petrifying. What if I cannot find my way back? What if I lose myself completely in the process? Am I willing to take these risks?
I do not desire to shape-shift and mould against my own values just so you say my name correctly and look me in they eyes. I’m not willing to adapt so far, I cannot reverse and start losing the ones who know I’m better than this.
Am I willing to step below my own bar, to gain establishment of a world I’m unsure I even want to belong in?
Can I play the part? Can I become the character? If I do, will I return to myself, or will my core become the graveyard of my higher self?
I guess that’s why I’m here… To discover if I’m strong enough to pave my own way, which I now realise is not the way they want me to go. Can I mould, bend and shape-shift through constant human exploration whilst holding the backbone of who I am? Let’s test it.
Shortcomings.
I like to think that I’ve always believed in a true love.
I like to think that I’ve always wanted a true love.
I’ve felt it and said goodbye to it. It’s been fleeting whilst somehow still carving a gravestone on my heart. It remains forever within me, always saying hello when I need it the most, yet never hanging on too tight or standing too close.
And maybe that’s it, right there. A love I so desperately crave, a love I so desperately want to believe is real and true, it can only really come from within me. I cannot plead it off others, I cannot expose these vulnerabilities, I have to be strong and fulfilled without needing anyone.
Contradictory, as I desire a love that allows me to fail. I desire a love that floats around the room all day, for years upon years like the smell of berry crumble consistently cooking in the oven. I desire a love so deep that it combats all logic as emotion and desire, lust and need completely take over. I desire a love that holds space to be still, as chaos breaks out like a parade in the streets yet there we stand, within the chaos, just us, hand in hand.
I do believe in true love. I do believe in a love that can withstand all that is thrown at it.
One day, maybe someone will look at me and melt. Like an ice cream on a hot day as my essence drips down the cone and onto their hand.
One day, maybe someone will be inspired by the woman I am, the woman I’m becoming and the woman I desire to be, yet may never succeed. Because the woman trying is the one they admire the most.
One day, maybe someone will wrap me up so tight that even in the moments I feel like escaping, when life get’s tough and I want to runaway, that grasp is so tight that it holds me still, as all the emotion powers through my body and releases into the air.
Come share the world with me… Learn together, challenge together, expand together.
I’ll be your muse, your morning coffee and your compass through the dark. As you are for me, together holding light.
Do I believe in true love?
Compartmentalisation.
Big word. Important word.
Key word to reaching success in your life.
Whether you are applying this word to career, relationships or even money, it will continuously add value across any endeavour you choose.
So what does compartmentalisation mean exactly?
Compartmentalisation is a psychological defence mechanism in which thoughts and feelings that seem to conflict are kept separated or isolated from each other in the mind. ‘The division of something into sections or categories.’
Now, I’m not going to toot my fucking horn and call myself a successful 28 year old, it’s just not my style… yet from an outsiders perspective, I have achieved a fair amount for the average person in their 20’s. I would say with absolute ease, that a huge part of my success has stemmed from the use of compartmentalisation.
This tool came from one of my most cherished business mentors. It was 2020, I was two years into business ownership and the high had found it’s plateau. This meant it was officially time for me to pivot my business strategy and re-stabilise. I now had the data necessary to forecast accurately, less of a drop in the ocean like the last two years had been. As most eager business bodies should know, the first 2 years of business is the make or break and if you make it (which I thankfully did), that turning point is your time to collect the data and make it work for you as the train powers ahead at full steam! And you need to be ready to fucking GO.
Yet as strategic as that sounds, it was an absolute whirlwind to navigate. The reality was a pile of debt I’d been pushing aside and desperately needed to finalise. A pool of employees I needed to let go, with the ones I’d decided to keep needing a full re-structure. I had to completely re-systemise the business to improve efficiency, output and profit. Then there was me… I was 23 and felt like I had so much weight on my shoulders. The time to ‘fuck around’ was officially over and I had to close many parts of myself that to be honest, I wasn’t ready to close. The focus became fine-tuned, I had one goal, one strategy and only I was able to achieve it.
So, my mentor told me to compartmentalise. “Tessa, you have one key tool that is absolutely fundamental to you achieving what you need. It’s now critical that you take this seriously and learn how to compartmentalise all avenues of this business. If you don’t, you will fail.” It truly was that black and white.
Now some might think this is easy, right? Put everything into different boxes and each day tackle one box, yes, simple. Yet this wasn’t so straight forward, as I had to navigate where my emotion fell within these boxes and learn how to apply a pragmatic, practical approach whilst simultaneously allowing space for my emotion to still play a heavy role without being my dominant approach and reaction. Very fucking challenging.
I would never learn how to compartmentalise my business and life without knowing where and when to apply my emotional intellect vs my pragmatic mind. It was and still is the single most important component of becoming a successful leader.
So how do you compartmentalise in the first place?
Great question…
It starts with writing down all the avenues and channels within your brain. They’ll usually find place on a page in a very scattered and unapproachable manner, so your next job is to categorise them. Your categories can be as simple or complex as you desire. If you’re applying compartmentalisation to your life opposed to business, it could look as simple as:
‘Fitness. Career. Love.’ You get the gist.
Once you have categorised all these channels, you then build off of them. Building second tier’s, maybe in order of hierarchal performance or possibly monetary value… Again, it’s whatever applies accurately for your over arching north star. You’ll often find that when you begin this method, it will build out rather rapidly as your mind manages to pull what’s floating around upstairs and apply it to where best seems fit.
By now your page should be full. Everything in categories and tier’s of relevance or importance. Now, you place it all into boxes. The most critical step is keeping those boxes seperate from one another, then deciding which boxes need your emotion to land, vs the ones that rely on your pragmatic brain. Once you’ve defined this, you’ll find yourself with a strategic roadmap to help you navigate every endeavour and curve ball coming your way.
Again, sounds simple. Within the realm of a mathematic equation it really is that simple! Yet you’ll find yourself in coming years learning how to apply this mathematic equation to your life, in an off the cusp situation, without having to pull out the fucking calculator. I’ve been using compartmentalisation for almost 6 years now and I still find myself having to re-structure my boxes and pull out the calculator to remind myself how to land. I don’t doubt for a millisecond that I will continue to need that calculator for years to come! Yet having this method in my back pocket has helped me countless times and as mentioned earlier, is the key reason I’ve reached success in the avenues I’ve chosen.
I talk more about this method in my book, so I cannot give you all the pots of gold just yet. Although I do hope this tiny window of insight can help even just one person navigate a complex endeavour within their life. Now you know the word, you can also research the many ways it can be applied from multiple neuroscience backed methods.
The ‘lean in’ mentality.
It’s becoming increasingly apparent that our world is drastically changing at an incredibly (somewhat frightening) rate. It’s not slowing down, it’s simply speeding up. To quote Michael Simmons words: ‘If someone is 40 years old today, the rate of change they experience in 2040, when they’re 60, will be four times what it is today.’ So basically, the change we currently experience within one year, will soon be experienced in just 3 months…
Being someone who naturally walks in the opposite direction of a trend or overpopulated opinion, (and no I’m not trying to be ‘alternative’, I simply despise anything over-hyped or saturated), this very topic is one I find incredibly challenging to overcome. It needs me to drop my sword and walk in the direction of our next technological revolution. Oop, I said it. Yet, there’s an out:
Lean in and level up. As fast as you possibly can.
Important that I preface… I’m not entirely interested in spending my Saturday evening diving into the depths of this very topic. Yet I am eager to express my current thoughts and movements on the matter. Why? Simple, I need to pivot and I need to do it now.
In recent weeks I’ve found myself frustrated and it’s predominantly stemmed from my complacency. What was once new to me only a few months ago, is now normal, explored, retained and therefore boring. This means I’m not challenged in my daily environment anymore, which for some they love, yet for me… No thank you. I'm far too curious to simply coast. Yes, there is a time and place I enjoy the odd moment of bliss yet as an overarching tree, I’m more than likely climbing the damn thing.
“My need to constantly excel is the very wheels to my fortune, as it is equally the cliff I one day drive off”
A catch 22, as staying the same, confined within an outdated routine and paths I’ve already paved, truly is the death of me. Thankfully, I’ve stared my depression in the face enough times now to recognise this pattern and know at this point and time, I’m completely free to pivot. A luxury I’ve not had in my past.
Yes, pivot.
So where does pivoting collaborate with the technological revolution? Great question. It’s clear that the main road to gaining access to my own ultimate freedom (looks different for everyone) is to learn the roadmaps of our worlds change by fostering the ‘lean in mentality.’ I desire to get ahead and I needed to start yesterday, as the walls I’m currently staring at are far too white for me to feel fulfilled and I know for a fact (I’ve done a lot of research to back that statement) that painting these walls a different colour now might seem crazy, yet will pay off exponentially in my future.
Leaning in is a method discussed by the worlds leading entrepreneurs. I’m talking the likes of Elon Musk, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. Not your everyday Joe bloke. It’s been proven time and time again that the main reason for their personal success came down to one singular action:
Leaning into bizarre behaviour built off predictions for the future
The lean in mentality encompasses everything predicted within the realm of any bizarre world revolution (specifically the technological revolution) and learning how to grasp it enough, to make it work for you, not against you. It’s crucial you learn how to lean in, not out… To prove it, here is a list of people who leaned out:
In 1992 the CEO of Intel, Andy Grove, made a statement saying ‘The idea of a personal communicator in every pocket is a pipe dream driven by greed.’ In 2024, Intel’s stock had dropped over 50% as the company continues to miss pivotal opportunities to invest in technological development
A guy called Steve Ballmer was the former CEO of Microsoft. Former, because he got caught literally laughing at Steve Jobs and Apple, claiming ‘There’s no chance that the iphone will ever get any significant market share.’ In 2025, iphone holds a market share value of roughly 56.60%… He’s not laughing now, I can promise you that
February 1995, Newsweek wrote an article: ‘Visionaries see a future of telecommunicating workers, interactive libraries and multimedia classrooms. They speak of electronic town meetings and virtual communities. Commerce and business will shift from offices and malls to networks and modems… Baloney! The truth is, no online database will replace your daily newspaper. Newsweek was forced to discontinue their print magazine in 2012 due to financial strife
Point made.
Ignoring what sit’s ahead, is leaning out. Holding such a narrow view, is leaning out. ‘Leaning out will leave you behind’ - As quoted by Steven Bartlett. Everything from the realms of Crypto and social media/content creation, to the far greater realms such as artificial intelligence, biotechnology and genomics, even quantum computing. These realms are taking over and your fear (even though I validate that reaction) stems from your lack of understanding.
When you don’t understand, when it challenges your intelligence, when it makes you feel stupid, lean in more.
We have no reason to be complacent, bored, nor trapped in one story line. Our world is changing and we can either change with it, or stay in the same outdated oxygen until someone rips away the lifeline. I crave change, therefore I will learn, I will evolve, I will grasp what I need, to get ahead and run my own timeline. Take control of your future, the sooner you start the easier it will be. Lean in and level the fuck up!
Note: It is not necessary for everyone to go as far as understanding every aspect of the technological revolution in order to ‘level up’. It’s simply the example that holds enough weight within my own desires, to display quality proof for the speed in which we can choose to learn and grow. It’s a big world, and I’m not saying everyone needs to move at this rate, yet the world will continue to move without you regardless. The choice is yours and I’m not here to judge or comment on your own beliefs or ultimate desires in this lifetime. Just do what is best for you and know there is never no option…
MUSE.
As chaos is encapsulating every inch of my sphere, my physical state feels suffocated yet my mental capacity stretches so vast I manage to breach the boundaries and restrictions I thought to be true. Challenging my own my belief system is becoming a rite of passage…
I acknowledge,
So clear like crystal, that within the chaos sits a quiet space I can tap into. When I’m open enough to receiving the art given to me, I can find my path through the wind and get to that finite idea I’ve been attempting to grasp. The one I’ve been craving, considering and challenging…
The idea,
The chaos is my muse,
and the chaos stems from people. Their feelings, ideology and experiences.
Take a ride with me here…
As I’m sat here in Melbourne state library, a place so mystical and beautiful like a scene from Harry Potter, immersing myself into Hogwarts with every page I write. I ponder over this realisation, ‘one foot in chaos, they other in order’… An idea I’ve believed yet never found equilibrium with. It seems I either find myself completely wrapped up in the tornado of chaos, waiting for it to end as I’m being gobbled up by it’s mass and magnitude, completely unable to pull myself out. Or, I’m eventually flying out, hitting the wall so hard that I force myself to go and hide in the safety of my bunker, recouping my energy before the next tornado comes howling through. That’s it, that is the cycle I’m in.
The magic comes from within that tornado, a place so fucking wild, strong willed and fierce. The unfortunate reality is that I lack the ability to simply step in, observe and step back out again before it sweeps me off my feet. Let me preface… this is not the realisation. I’ve known this as pure fact about myself for a long time and for those I see who keep up with this blog, you’d know very well that it’s a topic well discussed, well detangled and re-interpreted.
The realisation: People = Chaos = Muse. The chaos stems from people.
Relationships I build and need to navigate.
People surrounding my sphere and subconsciously holding gravity over my own emotions.
The people I love.
The people I hurt.
The people who love me.
The people who hurt me.
Tension, temptation, greed, entitlement, ego, identity, desire, need, want, failure, challenge, culture…
The human condition.
Now, I’ve been writing about the human condition for about 3 years, this is not anything new for me. My obsession began when I went to start a podcast called After Hours. The discussion of all things human condition with some of New Zealands leading entrepreneurs, to understand where their drive and original ideas stemmed from. The podcast never lifted off the ground due to the challenges I was already facing in my business with the pandemic (terrible timing). Yet from that moment I began conceptualising the human condition. What makes people tick, why people care and or not care, what is it that makes us think a certain way, where did we come from, what’s your story and where is your end. These were all questions I became enticed to answer. I will forever find myself on this quest, as the human condition is a big space that stems from history, revolution, evolution, culture and everything that got us here today. I will be on my death bed still pondering these damn concepts!
For those who do not know:
The human condition can be defined as the characteristics and key events of human life, including birth, learning, emotion, aspiration, reason, morality, conflict, and death. A set of essential experiences that define human existence.
Where it get’s sticky is my dying need to do things unconventionally to get the answers I desire. Things that often hurt and challenge people, which I do in order to understand what I’m currently conceptualising. This is the part that I’ve only just realised. For awhile now I’ve wondered why I create such deep relationships with people. Why some of those relationships seem to fall and how I can simply continue to walk ahead when they other party often cannot. Now I’m not saying this to try toot my own horn! I’m simply untangling a rather unpleasant realisation that I’m leaving people in the dust from my tyres, completely unintentionally! The worst part is that it makes people feel hurt, wondering if I was genuine or true.
Facts: I did care, I still care and I was genuinely, whole heartedly wrapped up and immersed in you and everything that makes ‘up you.’ I asked questions because I really wanted to know your answers. Those questions broke down barriers and layers which allowed you to confide in me. I made you feel safe and secure, offering you a place to come home to with someone who vulnerably offered you love and held a curiosity you craved. But then I leave, because my quest is never ending.
People always ask why I’m in the relationship I’m in (open, for those who do not know). This is why. I want the freedom to explore the human condition, building relationships with people that hold all levels of depth and latitude. The depth more often than not leads to exploration, exploration leads to sex, then sex leads to love. This is a natural course that I’m completely comfortable with and thoroughly enjoy. Yet it makes people feel like a number, thus, I despise.
I’m asked how I manage to be so cold and seperate my emotions, not allowing them to get the better of me (more often than not). The answer is simple:
My emotions for you, do not outweigh my curiosity to know more. But that does not mean I don’t care.
My desire to understand you in it’s entirety, is 150% genuine. Where you sit on my lifeline and what lesson I’m eventually going to untangle from this relationship fascinates me profoundly. The unfortunate reality - I do not need you forever to uncover this information. Meaning, if you choose to leave, if you choose to complicate, if we drift… I will not feel the pressing urge to force anything. I trust that it’s what is meant to be, as you came to me for a lesson I will one day uncover and that right there, amongst all the chaos is the crystal.
You are my muse.
Yet you see, that is the chaos. This is what it looks like inside that tornado. So many open doors, so many emotions to navigate and the hardest part is that I’m more often than not navigating emotions that are not my own. I’m trusted with key details of one’s life, holding that safe space for not just one person, yet multiple, countless, all at once. That weight eventually becomes too heavy to carry and that is when I’m spat out by the tornado and go hide in my bunker. It’s all energy and that energy is the source as it is the fucking drain I’m melting down.
The conclusion,
Take out the emotion. Put it into a graph, turn it into a basic calculation, get the x amount and call it a day. If you stay too long in the emotional frequency of the quest, you cannot conceptualise and therefore have zero outcome. You need to go to the bunker to detangle the emotion to get the answer. The mathematical equation will forever sit within that tornado, amidst the chaos. You have to step in, knowing when to step out before it gets the better of you.
People and the chaos that follows will forever be my muse. In order to become a master of my greatest concepts, I need to learn how to control the frequency of energy flowing in and out of my muse. A frequency high enough to inspire me, yet not so high I float away with it.
I’m so. fucking. scared right now.
And it feels like I’m pulling my fucking organs out and staring at them on the floor, attempting to re-organise it all whilst I slowly bleed out. Shit’s FUCKED! I’m so damn far from where I thought I’d be at the start of this year and that alone is enough to sink my damn boat. Let alone being beyond terrified of what I presume I’m about to lose.
Yet that’s the whole point, unfortunately. Losing something, means gaining something else. I don’t want to lose anything, but I’m scared to my very core because I know I have to in order to begin my next 7 year cycle. All I have is now, I have to act regardless of all the fear drumming throughout my body. Because I need change, and I needed it yesterday…
Moving the needle.
I’ve been sounding a little witchy recently, so much ‘woo-woo’ nonsense that most (generalisation) do not tend to cling to or connect with. Fair enough, as I’d also consider myself very far from the hippie kind. I do believe in a larger divine, aiding us through pivotal internal battles and allowing us to challenge the expansion of our inner sphere, although I do rely heavily on science backed research for majority of my theories.
Back to the point Tessa - I’ve been moving through some colossal internal shifts, that have all been poked and prodded by energetically aligned catalysts. Some of those catalysts have been people, others have been decisions and so fourth. This has altered my writing to become more transcendent than my usual go to psychological entanglement.
Recently, I have finally managed to move the fucking needle.
This shift has been big, present and a constant happening. I’m right in it’s core and it’s gravity speaks volume. I feel it so profoundly. Real, raw and alive!
It’s been scary (as mentioned in my last few posts), screaming at me so loud the echo’s have bounced off the walls and ceiling just to be sure I got the message. Received, loud and clear…
I hadn’t realised the complexity of this shift, I also hadn’t realised I’d been caught up in it the last 3 months. Makes a ton of sense why I’d been feeling so energetically weighed down these last few months, blaming my chronic fatigue but actually… The works being done right before my eyes. I’d been sitting here thinking how useless I’d been as of late, when in real fact I’d been moving the fucking needle! (How many times can I say that sentence...)
Damn.
All the answers are not yet in front of me, but the most critical ones are and the rest will come. As each day and week passes, I move closer to exactly where I’m supposed to be. Understanding the full weight of this frustration I’d been carrying, unfolding the layers of my past that had been hindering my future.
Everything falling back into place, a new place, but still finding it’s home amongst my puzzle. And fuck am I grateful. The magic of trust, intuition, actively clearing the load and making space for new opportunities to arise. It’s been such a monumental journey for me to reach this point. A place where new opportunities, people and horizons can now exist. I’ve put in the fucking work, big time, to create space for these opportunities to now land and goddamn am I ready for them.
So, I find myself unapologetic for all the witchy woo-woo talk. I lack experience in conceptualising spiritual realms and have needed this healthy challenge of attempting to express the otherworldly shifts I’ve been experiencing. Most of which can not be research backed, it’s simply a feeling, a knowing, a pull. Instinct fit’s the mould. In my last research attempt I did find this beautiful piece of writing by Amanda Doyle, it depicts my current feelings very accurately.
‘Instinct is not a woo-woo supernatural thing. It’s real, for everyone. Intuition is the ability to process information you are not even conscious of, to know something without analytical reasoning. Science shows us that intuition operates through the entire right side of the brain and through our gut - that’s why it’s called gut instinct. So whether you acknowledge it or not, intuition is being processed inside your body. In our most desperate moments, when we literally have nothing else to turn to, our intuition is there. And we can practice finding it.
For me, inner knowing feels like joy and freedom and anything that makes me feel alive. It shows up for about thirty seconds. It’s never sustained, and it’s not a static place of arrival. It’s a flash of seeing another way for myself. It is how we know that something is for us, how we know that something is of our knowing and our choosing. We can practice learning what our intuition is by running toward anything that feels like a few seconds of being alive - Anything that feels like freedom to me is what I can trust.’
Some things we cannot understand in the moment, but as life unfolds, the true colours begin to blossom. Trust yourself and move that goddamn needle. The life you desire is sitting on the other side of your fear.
Resistance.
Knowing when to gain control, opposed to loosening the reins…
I’ve found myself at yet another crossroad. I’m demanding copious amounts of energy from myself to tackle mental barriers and gain understanding over situations I’m yet to conclude. Finding myself frustrated and aggravated when I notice patterns repeating themselves, doors unable to be closed when their time is up and old habits resurfacing.
I’m not here to repeat my old ways, I’m here to evolve and continue on an upward trajectory. The level of frustration I’m finding myself in from these constant repetitive loops that are very clearly holding me back, is truly making me loopy. Cycles I can’t seem to kick to the curb because unfortunately for me, the overall lesson has not yet been learnt! I’ve watched my mother do this her entire life, repeating patterns due to her inability to understand what the universe is demanding of her. Yet here I am, doing the same thing yet so fucking desperately trying not to…
Gaining control has been at the pinnacle of my to do list whilst I navigate these rather monumental games within the crux of my own mind. A generic human reaction… The desire to gain control when we feel ‘out of control’. In contrary, letting go is sometimes the answer. How fucking typical.
The more I find myself attempting to gain control over the things I do not yet understand, the tighter I’m pulling the reins, forcing my sphere to become much smaller as I follow the map I was given and by default pushing away any new potential routes ahead. It makes complete sense, if I’m craving control, I’ll naturally gravitate to the path that makes me feel safe. I can control what I already know, yet I cannot control the unknown. We often believe that gaining control can get us to our destination faster and in some cases it can, yet only when we know what the destination is! We are running into the dark no matter how fast or slow we run, regardless of holding a map in our hands.
So, as I find myself in this place of limitation, realising that my need to control is actually hindering my success, not aiding it… Calls for the exact opposite to overtake my logic. Letting go and loosening the reins. I need to do the exact opposite of what my mind and body are gravitating toward and allow the path to slowly come to light, the conclusions I’m desperately scavenging for to come to me in their own time and in ways I likely wouldn’t have noticed by looking down the microscope. It’s the annoying saying your grandmother always told you when you lost your first love “A new door will open when you least expect it”. Grandma is 100% correct. New doors and ideas come to light when we find peace within ourself. When we’re perfectly content with our sphere and aligned with the present. This is why people travel, to force themselves into the unknown, loosing control in the hope it will bring them genuine joy and deeper connection to their inner-self, which again, we often do not find if we’re not present and intentional with all we do.
If I’m too caught up using all my six cylinders to keep that grasp tight on my reins, I will not have the energy to be present and intentional in my everyday life. Without those two things, I will eventually start to feel hollow, thus being the current status of my inner realm. I’ve lost my creativity, my excitement for each day and I’m simply passing through the motions of it all, losing a lack of self care and deep appreciation for myself… Something I do not hide very well. Time for the focus to shift, the perspective to become that of a birds eye view and the intention to be poured into re-sparking my energy for each and everyday that I’m existing. Anything that stands in the way of me achieving this simple step is the only thing I need to actively take control over to remove from my life. If it’s in the way, pick it up and toss it away. This is all about pushing the simplify button, not making everything so complicated by attempting to control every single tiny aspect of my life. It’s about letting go of what I know I cannot control and allowing the universe to shine light on what is meant to come to me. Trusting that my intentional self will recharge the cylinders I need to attract what I truly need and desire.
I cannot expect good opportunities to come my way if the energy I’m giving out is that of a depleted, controlled, closed off version of myself.
To break these repetitive cycles, it’s obvious I need to change my approach as it’s very clearly not working. I’ve never truly let go… Not enough to allow space and time just for myself to do what I deeply desire. I’ve made very intentional and strategic moves in my life, yet never allowed enough time for me to truly sit with myself long enough to reap the creative rewards off the back of my learnings. Always afraid that if I sit for too long, the goals will somehow dissipate, which is incorrect. I feel like I’m screaming at myself to change, it’s so fucking loud and honestly just annoying to be in my own mind right now! Like going to your therapist and repeating the same session every week for years straight. I’m exhausted with myself, how riveting.
Yet from experience I know this crossroad speaks in volume… It’s when we become completely and utterly dissatisfied with ourself, that we build a path toward change. That path cannot be created without you allowing your intentional self to stand at the forefront. It’s a simple order of events:
Intentional self and presence = Change in your habits and relationship with yourself = New pathways/doors of opportunity to open
The answers sit within this simple order of events. It starts with loosening the reins enough to be present, removing the unnecessary distractions obstructing your view and then acting on the parts of yourself that no longer align with your newfound value system.
Lastly, your ability to be selfish with your time, energy and intentions is absolutely fundamental to your success. Never forget that, never… Being someone who 90% of the time is a pushover, I’m speaking from experience that it will be your biggest interference, so hold yourself high. It’s mandatory.
I NEED TO SCREAM!!!!!!
INTOXICATED BY THIS CONSTANT NAGGING AT MY MIND.
I CANNOT FIND THE SWITCH TO TURN THE DAMN THING OFF AND I KNOW IT’S THE UNIVERSE POKING AND PRODDING AT ME TO KEEP STEPPING TOWARD THE VERY PURPOSE I FEAR MOST.
A BRUTAL UNKNOWN FULL OF RISK AND REWARD, LIKE PLAYING WITH A MIGHTY DRAGON, SWORD IN HAND AND HEART ON MY SLEEVE.
IT WON’T STOP UNTIL I DENY MY LIMITATIONS THEIR POWER, UNTIL I TAKE THEM OFF THEIR UNWORTHY THRONE.
THIS NARRATIVE I’VE TOLD MYSELF FOR SO. FUCKING. LONG. IS NOW WRITTEN ON THIS PIECE OF RIPPED UP PAPER THAT I TAKE INTO MY HANDS, LIGHT ON FIRE AND WATCH THESE LIMITATIONS BURN TO ASH AS I BLOW THAT ASH INTO A JAR AND TOSS IT OFF THIS CLIFF I NOW STAND ON AND WATCH IT FLOAT OUT TO SEA.
I AM NOT WHO I USED TO BE. I AM NOT BOUND TO MY FEAR, MY LONELINESS OR MY MIND TELLING ME I’M NOT ENOUGH.
I AM ENOUGH. I AM, I AM, I MOTHER FUCKING AM!!!
WATCH ME ESCAPE THESE WALLS IN WHICH I BUILT
WATCH ME LEAVE THIS CAGE IN RUBBLE!
WATCH ME BECOME THE WOMAN I’VE ALWAYS BEEN YET NEVER DARED SEE
Journal entry 2:48am
06 . 09 . 25
Shit’s about to get real fucking weird…
FEAR RELEASE.
One simple word…
FEAR.
Fear of failure.
Fear of judgement.
Fear of imperfection and impurities,
Fear of confinement.
It’s become embarrassingly apparent that I’ve allowed fear to hold me back from the ability to release my creative mind. Years upon years of attempting to refine, perfect, over analyse and collect data to ‘allow’ myself the ability to release it into the physical realm. Yet it makes zero sense, as each year I grow older and wiser and my knowledge, ideas and ideology adapts, progresses and develops, leading me into a higher frequency. This means I’ll forever look back at my old workings and think they’re shabby, yet if I wait until I’ve grown ‘enough’, I’ll be waiting until I’m dead!
Does that make sense?
I’m waiting for a moment that doesn’t exist.
A version of myself that is forever in the future. All I have is my past and current knowledge, expansion and articulation of my creative mind. All I can do is my best now,
as the version of myself ‘wise enough’ to release is a constant becoming.
As I comprehend this realisation, I begin to pick up the pieces I’d left in the closet. The old journals, half started illustrations, ideas thrown into the drafts pile within my laptop. It’s a chest of fucking gold! An entire library of my mind that’s been waiting for this moment, the moment I’m finally brave enough to finalise these articulations and bring them to life.
How goddamn invigorating!
In moments like these, I realise that I truly am the epitome of an artist. Yesterday I heard a quote that said,
“She’s a writer. This means her life is a constant quest to fuel her curiosity and test her theories”.
It was one of the most relatable quotes I’d read in a damn long time. My brain is more often than not running a million miles an hour, taking it all in, comprehending, articulating (how many times can I repeat that word…), testing, pushing boundaries, building boundaries… It feels like I’m constantly needing to put my hand into the fire so I have the knowledge to describe precisely how it feels to the world. I have no desire to get it wrong, yet my mistakes, trials and challenges are often the pearls within the shells. I willingly choose to put my own hand into that fire, so I have the gold within the story. Makes sense why they call me the wild one…
All it can ever be is my own interpretation of a feeling, idea or theory.
As I start to unfold these truths, I begin to notice subtleties in my ability to allow the flow to pour out of me, fire to burn more furiously and the unleashing of my greatest creative desires to unravel. I’m opening the chest of gold to the world and for the first time in my life,
I’m not afraid.
Gravity
I’m only a fragment, a speck, a drop in your ocean. Yet I desire to be the gravity to your tides.
I used to believe that kind of love couldn’t possibly exist, a fairytale told by god to soften the blow.
Even if it did exist, did I even deserve it?
It does,
I do,
And now I want it.
To be the very gravity within someone’s life. Not a fragment, a speck or a drop…
Shifting gravity, changing tides.
Cap It.
Energy going out, fumes coming back in…
I’ve been caught in the cycle far too many times before. So many that I’d previously presumed my intel on when to draw the line would’ve sparked up in time, yet I’ve been caught out, once again. Love that, it’s like a game of cat and mouse yet just with myself.
Note to self : Be more in control of my energy cap and find the fucking lid before it’s too late. If I don’t, I’m one hell of a sassy, short fused kitty cat with a heck of a big meow on her! As kinky as that may sound, it’s not in the cute way I know you’re thinking…
You see, I’m the literal definition of an extrovert. I cannot say no to a social opportunity, I get fomo if I can’t copy and paste myself into multiple occasions or areas of the room at once and I most definitely hate declining the rare moment’s I could get to know someone better. All of these ‘needs’ (guess we can call them that), demand a high level of fuel from my gas tank, I’m basically the 1984 5.8L V8 Ford Bronco at this point! (Sexy). Let’s also keep in mind that I have an incredibly social job, often concluding my only alone time is when I’m in the shower or finally turning out the lights at night.
This doesn’t really bother me! I’m genuinely that extroverted. Yet as I’m getting older, I am noticing little tell tale signs for the batteries hitting dead low, flashing red and screaming ‘please dear fucking lord charge me now!!!’ Acknowledging them I’m getting surprisingly good at, yet going and plugging the damn things into the wall to recharge… not so much.
Luckily for me, (or not so lucky) I was diagnosed with severe chronic fatigue almost two years ago. I ignored it at the time, which obviously (so fucking dumb) pushed me to an even scarier and more trialling period last year. At the time I honestly cursed to the skies, how the flying fuck is an extrovert supposed to battle chronic fatigue?! You’re telling me to go sleep for the next six months? Pffftt as fucking if.
Just for those who don’t know what chronic fatigued is…
My definition: The body telling you it needs caffeine injected directly into your veins so you never miss a beat, yet the caffeine doesn’t work so you simply run around like a half existent zombie attempting to not fade away into bones in a pile on the floor…
Google Definition: Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) is a serious and often long-lasting illness that keeps people from doing their usual activities. A disease characterised by profound fatigue, sleep abnormalities, body pain and other symptoms that are made worse by exertion. It makes physical and mental exertion difficult. There is no known cure. (In a nutshell).
So basically, I’m exhausted all the time. Yet not in a ‘I need a nap’ sort of way… More in a ‘I’ve been hit repeatedly by a fucking bus and the pain and concussion never fades’ kind of way. It sounds so dumb, hence why I kept it under wraps for so long. It made me feel isolated, incapable and weak. If I’d attempt to explain the physical symptoms, everyone would simply say ‘take a day off to rest’. Oh… haha, do you understand what chronic means?
This made it easier to push through the pain and secretly cry every morning as I dragged myself out of bed feeling like my bones were those of a 90 year old and my brain was so jumbled I’d get vertigo and walk into walls. Keep in mind, I was still running my seven day a week business (peak recession), having to show up as hostess of the mostess ‘Tess’ society knowed and loved, boss who lead by example to all my employees, tea towel laundromat, accountant, hot and sexy girlfriend, best-friend to a list so long I lost count decades ago, aunty, daughter, sister and business coach. Should we also just add that I helped open the wine bar last year too??
I guess you could say I became so use to the pain, that I’d forgotten what it felt like to be a normal, functioning, healthy twenty seven year old. Rather depressing… which of course then lead me into a deep depression. How convenient…
Anywho moving along, as I’m not too interested in delving much deeper on that period right now. Onto the more cherry part of this post, I managed to put one foot in front of they other and slowly exit the chaos that was my life and walk toward a serene and silent environment. From there I did a shit ton of research, started implementing rituals to aid the pain and help balance my mental state. Let’s also add that I did a full body cleanse and gut micro-biome rebuild, which luckily over a period of about five months began to have an impact. Predominantly because it gave my cells the opportunity to regenerate and adapt to my new environment. It worked! Those closest to me said I was like a new person. Colour back in my skin, my hair finally stopped falling out, my eyes were bluer and overall my entire approach to each day was light and fresh. It was almost as if someone had kindly taken off the massive cargo ship I’d be carrying around on my back for the last few years. With that also came a positive shift in my relationship to anxiety and other ocd behaviours I’d somehow picked up throughout this time on Zombieland.
Yet I must add, none of this turning point came without compromise. I’m not going to get into it now, yet let’s just say that I had to make some of the hardest, most testing decisions I’ve ever had to make in order to get my health back on track. To this day I have not allowed myself to fully comprehend these decisions and I’d be lying if I said I was ready to unpack them.
I digress! Back to the top, I’ve noticed myself putting out a lot of energy and not doing the rituals I know I need to do in order to refuel the tank. Hence me currently running on fumes. Symptoms of my chronic fatigue have been creeping back up (as mentioned, it’s incurable and always sit’s in the background waiting to attack my nervous system) and I’ve recognised mild reactions and behavioural patterns that scream burn out. SO, it’s 150% time for me to find the lid and cap it. As hard as this is for me to do, I know if I don’t I’ll be in serious trouble.
Hard when I’m currently in a new place with such a vast amount of new friends and opportunities at my doorstep! Yet the mild version of me is certainly not as fun and exciting as the spicy energised version, so I remind myself of this in the moments I get low due to waiting at hibernation station.
The positive part is, every time I have to pull back and hibernate is often such a beautiful time and space for me to lap up all my creativity and pour it onto the page, which gives me energy and get’s me excited. Incredible how endorphins can be released from creative outlet’s, even better when I can monetise them. Luckily for me, the more time I spend navigating this exertion, the better I get at coping with the downtime and doing the things I need to do in order to refill my cup. I do sometimes wonder how my future partner will navigate this when we have children running around our feet and I’m battling a flare up… Yet for now it’s just me, myself and my chronic fatigue highs and lows! Phew!
High.
A few weeks of being in a hot air balloon, floating high above the ground, head completely and utterly submerged in the clouds. Soaking up every ounce of knowledge, learnings and reflection mentally possible for my brain. Leaving a place so sound and secure, offering me everything I ‘thought’ I wanted, to runaway and challenge it all against the universes power to skyrocket me away.
The key question I’m constantly (almost annoyingly) asked,
“why fulfil the need to challenge something so good?”
Fair point. To put it simply, my curiosity and desire to lap everything, everyone and all potential enlightening experiences up, overtakes my need for security. I have an opportunity to settle, I’ve set up those foundations and they’re back home awaiting my return, if I ever choose to return in the first place. Yet for now I’m here, in this hot air balloon, admiring the views from high above as my brain examines, learns to articulate and comprehends the new learnings I’m being thrown.
I’m already pleasantly surprised by how many beautiful people have entered my life and challenged my ideology at this turning point I’ve found myself in. Giving me the opportunity to overcome some boundaries I was putting onto myself. Vulnerably offering me their own experiences and transformations as a reflection against my own.
I’ve even had people act as a mirror. Reflecting back at me what I truly desire. It’s been confronting, yet it’s precisely why I’m here. To meet these people who reflect back at me what I might be missing, the ideology I’ve adapted to that’s possibly now an old belief system.
Holding compassion and patience for myself throughout this time is incredibly critical for me to navigate these emotions, eventually articulating them into a new page within my greatest desires. As much as I’m floating high up in the clouds right now, to my dismay I will eventually need to come down and ground myself enough to build these new bones within my body. That cannot be done from a place of vulnerability, only from the solid and secure woman within myself. I also cannot forget that I’m trying to write a book over here too, so I can’t stay in the clouds for too long…
Watch me tiptoe this zip line, slowly, delicately placing one foot in front of they other.
Re-rooting my beliefs and allowing myself the space to open up, then retract. Let go when I feel the urge and pull back when it becomes too noisy.
It’s a beautiful dance that I’m performing only for myself.
My souls secrets, my heartbeats tune and this incredible journeys deepest curiosities upon my shoulders.
I fucking LOVE IT.
The mistakes and leaps of faith that fail are all intertwined within this time too, may I add. One of the best parts is getting it wrong, so we can eventually get it right. I choose to hold grace throughout my bad decisions as much as I do my good ones.
Take me as I come, open me up and step inside, or silently observe and turn away. I’ll stand tall regardless of the movements around my own inner shell.
Enough.
When it all starts to feel heavy, I simply remind myself,
These stars shining bright tonight, that’s enough for me.
This dance between the sun and the moon, that’s enough for me.
Our ocean’s love for the shoreline, that’s enough for me.
Breathe away the noise and come home to what is.
We don’t need much to realise we have enough,
To realise we, are in fact
enough too.
TRUST, on your terms.
I’ve always wondered why people are so quick to blame others for a bump in the road. Misbehaviour some even might say.
In my eyes, if someone has mistreated you, disrespected you, whatever the situation may be… With the knowing that all I can control is my own actions, my first response is to look myself in the mirror and ask what boundary I might have miscommunicated, or potentially did not communicate at all.
I understand people can do some shit things in the realm of love, sex and all that sit in-between, yet blaming others and saying “fuck you, I’m innocent in all this” unfortunately won’t achieve anything.
They hurt you, okay. Move on. That’s pretty much it? If someone you love has hurt you, bank that knowledge, then apply it to the boundaries you put in place moving forward. It’s really that simple…
You can’t go back in time, you can’t block them out of your life (well you can but they’ll always be in your life as a lesson so what does blocking them achieve?), you can only look at yourself and ask what could ‘I’ have done better to potentially avoid this situation reoccurring in my future.
I’ve always said to my girlfriends,
‘wrapping someone up in bubble wrap and tying a ribbon on the top unfortunately doesn’t achieve anything’.
No matter how ‘perfect’ you may be, how long you’ve been together, married or unmarried…
The thought that another being is your territory is not only disrespectful and immature, it’s actually the polar opposite of trust, as holding trust IS respect, which equals unconditional love.
Consider this approach…
I trust the people I love to make the right decisions for them, for their own personal growth.
I choose that. I extend that trust to them.
If they break that arm I’ve extended out, that’s on them.
I choose to extend it accepting the unknown of how it’s received, the same way they choose whether to respect that I’ve extended it, or not…
The choice is their’s, as much as it is my own.
Trust in a relationship is crucial. You cannot move forward without it. So find where your line is and make sure you draw it in the sand for those around you.
The rest is up to them.
All you can control is yourself.
Your actions, your mentality, your values and your limits.
Learn them, then apply them… What people choose to do with them is completely out of your control.
And that’s why essentially, trust starts and ends with ourself. We have to learn what it means to us, define it on our own and know ourselves well enough to apply it to all the relationships we develop throughout our time on this planet.
Try it. Try holding yourself accountable for once.
Aussies, in Byron Bay.
Hard shells, gooey insides.
Yep, these Aussies are hard to crack. You need to be in the right place at the right time with the correct tool kit to crack these bad boys open. It’s like a game of chess, one minute you’re winning and the next you’re knocked back again, it’s extremely fun and challenging all at once.
Now look, I’m not going to chuck every Aussie into a bag and call it a ‘stereo-type’, trust me, I want to believe they’re all different yet as a general consensus, they ain’t gonna chuck you a life-line without you giving them a fucking damn good reason! Hey fair enough I’m not judging, but I will admit that I’m having to adapt, expand and even shape-shift to make genuine connections in the Kangaroo hood.
My Queen is out in the battlefield fighting off the tits and tats as my pawns learn how to create barriers of my own that I’ve never had to build before, just incase I cross a boundary I didn’t know about. Good to build my own wall of pawns protecting me from throwing it all out there like a desperate fisherman.
It’s as though they breathe in ‘cool’ and literally breathe back out the definition of it for the rest of us…
They don’t seem to make many mistakes, nor do they hold much lack of confidence or self-doubt. They’re all fucking tan with washboard abs and lifted asses and yes both male and female fit into this category. I can’t yet figure out whether it’s an unattractive or inspiring trait of their’s, yet regardless it has me going on runs and keeping my tan in check even though I’m quarter Spanish and that doesn’t seem to be an issue for me (phew, one get out jail free card)!
I’m loving the challenge though, slowly (very fucking slowly) adapting to their impeccable coolness, cliquey groups and learning ‘Aussie chiller’ as my second language. “How to be cool without seeming as though you’re trying to be cool”, I mean, it’s a great skill to learn to say the least!
Jesus I feel like I’m back in school trying to desperately get in with popular group, how incredibly HUMBLING.
Kiwi’s just don’t seem to keep up with the status quo and even if we do, it’s a more unique attempt (delicate choice of words) with it’s own kiwi spin on it. Possibly due to our conservative behaviour or simply our isolation from the rest of the world, who know’s but it’s more present to me now more than ever. Not a bad thing, just different.
Fingers crossed I can eventually crack the code using my kiwi charm and I’ll be off slinging brews and drinking coconut cold brew with the locals in no time ;) Good thing I’m an extrovert otherwise my King would be dead before the pawns even got out on that chess board!
I’ll either get chewed up and spat out, or I might be lucky enough to stick around awhile…
I’ll keep you posted team. On and up baby!